El Lobo Herido

I'm doing everything I can to distract myself, to immerse myself in countless social functions and personal projects, but I can't get you out of my head.

I don't know if you miss me. I don't know if you care. But I miss you so much, Rojita. I miss you. so. goddamn. much. Half the time I feel like there's a knife twisting in my heart . . . the other half I just feel empty, and no matter what I try, I just can't fill the place that you're supposed to occupy.

I didn't want to bother you further with a phone call. I just wanted to say I love you and that I miss you terribly and that I wish there was a way to convince you that we are good for each other.

No, scratch that. I wish I didn't have to convince you. I wish you just knew.

Have a wonderful weekend. I'll be busy trying to distract myself with loud music and foreign sights and long stretches of highway. I have a feeling it won't do much, but it's worth a try. Anything at this point is better than brooding at home and wondering where you might be and what might inspire you to call upon me.

Rest assured, though, you will be in my thoughts.

You are always in my thoughts.

Love,
Lobo

The Matchmaker from Lansing

OKCUPID:
To: Velander
From: AG224

This could be the strangest message I've ever sent to anyone...

I can't even remember how I tripped on your profile. One of those look at this guy, then another is similar, then another, etc, etc

You and I are not a match in any way, so this is not a round about, convoluted pick-up. But, when I read the "you should message me if..." portion of your profile I thought of an old dear friend who is no longer a friend (very long story!). She lives in Chicago. She's beautiful, creative, so, so endearing in many ways. If you believe in following an illogical path for the hell of it, check her out on MySpace at myspace.com/[UCG].

That's all she wrote.

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
To: Elizabeth [UCG]
Date: Sep 12, 2008

Please friend me! A stranger told me that I should get in touch with you. I would like to go into detail, but I can't send you a note unless we're friends first.

Justin

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 13, 2008 2:28 AM

Ok, you've got my attention. What gives?

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:07 PM

Elizabeth,

As you know by now, my name is Justin. I have a profile on OKCupid. (Link below. It's available for public viewing.) Yesterday morning I received an e-mail in my inbox from a woman in Lansing, MI who told me that she randomly stumbled across my profile during a match search. And although her and I are in NO WAY a match -- her words -- there was something about me that reminded her of an old friend in Chicago that she lost touch with (had a falling out with?). In fact, she thought that we might get along so well that she felt compelled to tell me how to get in touch with this person.

If you haven't guessed it by now, that person is you.

My curiosity is quite piqued, so I decided to see where this rabbit hole might take me. And if this stranger from Lansing is correct, you're probably the same way. So check out my profile(s) and whatnot and let me know what you think.

Justin
www.okcupid.com/profile/velander

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 14, 2008 1:46 PM

Dear Justin,

This is rather curious...

Yes, I will meet you.

Charmed,
I'm sure,
Elizabeth

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 15, 2008 3:42 PM

Elizabeth,

I leave for a long weekend in Montreal on Thursday afternoon. I'll be back on Tuesday morning. This week is a little hectic, but I can likely make the time for a drink if you're available. Otherwise, we aim for next week?

Justin

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 15, 2008 5:20 PM

Justin,

Honestly, I find you attractive, and I presume you would be interesting, and a lot of fun.

More honestly, I don't think we match what the other person is truly looking for.

I wish you well on all of your journeys,
Elizabeth

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 15, 2008 5:51 PM

Cold feet already? C'mon! Don't bail out now. It's just starting to get interesting.

1.) You have an IDEA -- just a notion -- of what I'm looking for, but nothing I've written is set in stone. In life, most everything is negotiable.

2.) I have no clue what you're looking for. I'd have to hear it from you first.

3.) You're under no obligation to do anything with me. The most I asked of you was coffee and conversation. Anything else is not my concern at this time.

4.) 'Cause you're going to mull this over . . . and you're going to change your mind.

And when you do, you know how to reach me.

Justin

============================================

OKCUPID:
From: Velander
To: AG224

I gave it a shot, but she got cold feet.

Thanks for thinking of me, though.

Justin

============================================

OKCUPID:
To: Velander
From: AG224

Cold feet? OK, I personally am amazed you didn't write the whole thing off as the most crack pot thing you'd ever heard. But, what do you mean by cold feet? Did you friend her or something? It's just so strange b/c reading your profile I was absolutely gripped with this feeling that you two would be perfect for each other. Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in fantasy and romance. I don't know...

Well, happy travels.

X

============================================

OKCUPID:
From: Velander
To: AG224

Of course it was completely nuts! That's WHY I contacted her! :)

I friended her and explained the situation. I said a woman from Lansing told me that I should get in touch with her. She agreed to meet . . . and then she wrote me again and said "I've changed my mind."

She'll reconsider. I'm certain of it. This is all too random not to follow the story to its full conclusion.

Until then,
Justin

============================================

Story to be continued. I'm sure of it.

JVH

Windy City Checklist: A Guide for Couchsurfers

I get a lot of messages from Couchsurfers who are coming to Chicago and want suggestions on things to see or do during their stay. The following is a list of favorite activities/sights/restaurants that I highly recommend (links included!). Of course, it's not comprehensive -- it's based mostly on personal taste (and budget) -- but feel free to leave any of your own recommendations in the comments section. If I agree with you, I'll add it in the original post! (NOTE: Please avoid the hating. I want you to post your own favorites, not lambaste mine.)

[Last Updated: August 2014]

Windy City Checklist:

First off, pick up a current copy of the CHICAGO READER when you get into town. It's the alternative paper and features tons of listings for music, movies, theater and whatever else you seek in Chicago.

ACTIVITIES/EVENTS:

Late Night Karaoke @ Alice's Lounge: Alice's Lounge is a dive bar that arguably features the best Karaoke in Chicago. (Actually, it's been voted Best Karaoke for two years running -- 2011 & 2012 -- in the Chicago Reader!) This is all thanks to emcee Fred Wood and his mind-boggingly comprehensive songbook of Karaoke favorites new and old. (Not to mention plenty of obscure stuff you wouldn't even imagine was available for belting out drunkenly to an unsuspecting crowd!) If that weren't enough, Fred also possesses a legendary bag of props to liven up the performances. (Trust me, it's way cooler than it sounds!) This is my favorite haunt in all of Chicago, so chances are good that you will find me here, especially on Thursday nights after the Chicago Weekly Meeting.
Alice's Lounge -- 3556 West Belmont @ Central Park (Avondale). Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, 11 p.m.-3:30 a.m.; Saturdays, 11:00 p.m.-4:30 a.m. No cover, but you are expected to buy/nurse a drink. 21+

Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind: Sketch theater at its finest. The premise is 30 plays in 60 minutes, and the ever-revolving cast deliver some of the most hilarious, absurd, shocking, provocative and inspiring sketches I have ever witnessed. The actors are fearless when it comes to baring everything -- heart, soul and skin -- for the sake of entertaining, confronting and connecting with the audience. Simply, I am floored by the level of talent on display at this show, and that's why I look forward to both attending -- no, being part of it! -- every week.
The Neo-Futurarium -- 5153 North Ashland @ Foster (Andersonville). Fridays & Saturdays, 11:30 p.m. Sundays, 7:00 p.m. (Get in line early, especially on Fri. & Sat.!) Tickets $9 + roll of a six-sided die (=$10-$15). CASH ONLY. All ages.

That's Weird, Grandma: After teaching creative writing workshops in Chicago public schools, the cast of the Barrel of Monkeys theater troupe sift through thousands of stories, poems and plays written by children and adapt them into a series of entertaining sketches. Kids enjoy the show for its silliness; adults love the sheer inventiveness of the adaptations. Whether it's a cheer-off that leads to disastrous results (A Bad Day) or the most sensational Indian musical in the world (The Dance of Yousail), BOM will leave you giddy and giggling long after you have left the theater. (I will personally testify to reciting such gems as "Oh, no, it's JoJo, the owner of the barrel!" and "I'm taking the whale for a ride! I'm taking the whale for a ride!" for months after first hearing them here!)
The Neo-Futurarium -- 5153 North Ashland @ Foster (Andersonville). Mondays, 8:00 p.m. Tickets: $12 for adults | $6 for kids. CASH ONLY. All ages.

Baby Wants Candy: I've mentioned my favorite sketch shows in the city, but if you prefer your comedy to be completely made up on the spot, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better improv group than Baby Wants Candy. The premise is simple: The audience shouts out a title of a musical that has never been performed before. Accompanied by a full band(!), the first title that BWC hears becomes the title and theme for that evening's completely improvised 60 minute musical that they create then and there. (Or as they say just before showtime, "And now the opening and closing night of ____________.") Improv comedy alone is difficult to pull off successfully; now imagine how much skill it takes to get your audience to literally howl with laughter while fleshing out a cohesive storyline complete with musical numbers. Baby Wants Candy does exactly that, and you'd be at a loss to miss this show.
Apollo Theater -- 2540 North Lincoln Avenue (Lincoln Park). Fridays, 10:30 p.m. Tickets: $20 | $10 with student discount. All ages.

Music Box: A wonderful old-time movie theater that showcases the best in independent, classic and foreign films. Better yet, they have midnight showings of cult films during the weekend. The squeaky, thin-cushioned seats are nothing to rave about, so I wouldn't recommend anything over two hours, but you will nevertheless be impressed by the design of the place. The main theater even has an organ, which comes in quite handy during the annual showings of Nosferatu, Sing-Along Sound of Music and others.
Music Box Theatre -- 3733 North Southport @ Grace (Lakeview). Check site for showtimes. Tickets: $9.25 $7.25 for matinee showings. 

Concerts: Chicago has a great music scene simply because it's a crossroads. If you're a band on tour, especially in the Midwest, it is in your best interest to play a show in the Windy City. If you want to experience live music in Chicago, find out when your favorite band might be coming through town and then make plans to visit the city. That way you'll have bragging rights on how far you'll go to see a favorite artist. (My record: A 2700 mile road trip from Washington, DC to Seattle, WA for Bernard Fanning, lead singer of Powderfinger. Awesome interview, too!)
Favorite Venues: Schubas, Beat Kitchen, Uncommon Ground, Lincoln Hall, S.P.A.C.E., Park West, Double Door, Riviera Theatre (aka The Riv), Metro, Subterranean, Empty Bottle, Reggie's Live, The Hideout 
SHAMELESS PLUG: Stop by BFN NETWORKS -- my podcast network -- to see what upcoming concerts are at the top of my list. While you're there, I highly encourage you to check out a long list of insightful and uninhibited band interviews on The Sound Of You & Me! Subscribe to this podcast and others (links at the top of the sidebar) and download a treasure trove of incredible live in-studio performances!

Theater: For better or worse, Chicago is a theater town. I once had a small-time online theater critic for a roommate, and thanks to his extensive knowledge of the arts and access to free seats for productions big and small, I received a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness all the best (and worst) the Windy City had to offer. Rest assured, it was an invaluable education that I will forever be grateful for. When you come to Chicago, do your best to attend any kind of theater. Whether it be sketch comedy, improv, musical or drama; a Broadway hit or a little-known one-act; a beloved classic or a world premiere, find something that sounds appealing to you and just go for it. Life's about taking risks. Even if it's a terrible show -- and, oh boy, have I had my fair share of awful plays in this city! -- at least you tried to get some culture among all the hours spent exploring downtown and bar-hopping.
Recommended Theater/Companies: The House Theatre of Chicago (Seriously, Do. NOT. Miss!), The Strange Tree Group (A MOST weird & whimsical SUPER <3), The Neo-Futurists, Dream Theatre Company, Barrel Of Monkeys, Baby Wants Candy, WildClaw Theatre, Route 66 Theatre Company, Seanachai Theatre Company, Chopin Theatre, Goodman Theatre, Vaudezilla . . . and so much more!

Also, I HIGHLY recommend Chicago Theater Beat for their reviews of current shows in town. I am pleasantly surprised by how often I agree with their reviews, which more often than not save me a lot of time, money and grief when it comes to choosing a show that I know nothing about.

And if you'd like to find discounts on a wide range of productions in town/nationwide, I suggest that you sign up for Goldstar.com.

SIGHTS (DOWNTOWN):


View Velander's Guide to Downtown Chicago in a larger map

RESTAURANTS/BARS:

If you like to eat and drink, Chicago is your kind of town. Here's a list of my favorite places to get a meal or enjoy a drink with friends. Of course, there are definitely a million other restaurants in this sprawling city, all likely worthy of your time, money and palette, but this is what I recommend during your visit.

Brown Sack (3581 W Belden Avenue) - A hidden gem tucked away in the southwest corner of Logan Square, this cozy and hip Mom & Pop "soup, sandwich and shake shack" should be a required stop during your tour of the city. The sandwiches look like they should be framed and put on a wall and taste even better. People generally hail the Corned Beef Reuben, but my heart belongs to the BLT with avocado and shrimp. My mouth waters just thinking of the all the wonderful flavors in that sandwich. (The Cajun Po'boy is nothing to scoff at either. In fact, everything is good here!) Also, both the Peanut Butter Shake and the Mocha Shake are nothing short of mind-blowing. They're reason enough why Brown Sack has become my favorite restaurant in Chicago, and I personally know several people who have gone out of their way to stop by and order one more for the road.

Kuma's Corner (2900 West Belmont) - If you're in search of the best burgers in the WORLD, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better place than Kuma's Corner. Even with the atmosphere (and attitude) of a neighborhood (albeit more upscale) biker bar, I've seen all walks of lifes make the trek and wait anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours(!!!) just to get their hands on one of these divine patties served on a soft pretzel bun. To match the devil's music that blasts continuously from the speakers -- thankfully loud enough to appreciate yet not enough to drown out conversation -- the burgers are named after heavy metal groups and, of course, are prepared in such a way to pay tribute to the band's music. The more intense the metal, the more intense the burger. (The Plague Bringer is hot, but the Metallica will make you want to scream, especially when you're foolish enough to order it with extra buffalo sauce. Which I recommend.) Moreover, the bar has one of the best selections of local/regional beers in the city due to their efforts to support local and/or independent breweries. Last but not least they serve whiskey on tap, which I think is fucking awesome (and I don't even drink!).

However, all is not perfect in the world of Kuma's. Like I mentioned, the bar has become notorious for its ridiculously long waiting times. I myself am not one to hang around for longer than an hour, so if you want to avoid a packed house, heed this advice: Skip the weekend altogether 'cause no matter the time there is always a crowd. Instead go early in the evening on a weekday (anytime between 3-6 p.m. is ideal) and go with no more than four people. (The less people in your party, the easier it will be to get a table.) Also, if there are seats available at the bar, don't be afraid to sit down and order there. That's how I got to eat right away during my first visit.

Kin Sushi & Thai Cuisine (1132 North Milwaukee) - Chicago has a lot of Thai restaurants, but the problem is that most of them specialize in only one or two dishes, leaving the remainder of the menu something to be desired. That's certainly not the case with Kin, where I've always had a stellar meal no matter what I've ordered.

Hong Kong House (3904 North Cicero) - My favorite Chinese food in the world can be found in this hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Portage Park. The pot stickers are incredible, the vegetable lo mein always hits the spot and the sesame chicken is divine.

House of Sushi & Noodles (1610 West Belmont) - An impressive all-you-can-eat sushi deal for $20. Best of all, it's all made fresh! I've dropped three times as much on sushi in other spots in the city, and they couldn't hold a candle to this place. As far as the Midwest goes, HS&N is a sure bet for your sushi needs.

Fat Willy's Rib Shack (2416 West Schubert @ Western) - My favorite place for BBQ in Chicago. The ribs melt right off the bone, the cornbread (served with honey butter) is sensational and the hot brownie sundae (if you have room for it) brings decadence to a whole new level.

Mi Tierra (1039 West Belmont) - The interior looks gaudy, but they have excellent Mexican food. Stellar chimichangas, and I've yet to meet anyone who didn't enjoy the margaritas.

Mr. Greek Gyros (234 South Halsted) - Located in the heart of Greektown on the West Loop, Mr. Greek will fulfill all your Chicago-centric gastronomic needs. Probably one of the best deals on Italian Beef in the city, and the chicken burrito -- big enough for two people -- is to die for. Best of all, it's open 24 hours. (One of my first Chicago haunts!)

Potbelly Sandwich Works (Multiple locations) - Although it's now a regional chain, Potbelly first began as Chicago's answer to Subway and Quizno's. I don't know how they do it, but their subs blow the competition out of the water. Great milkshakes, too.

Giordano's (Multiple locations) - Chicago-style deep dish pizza is a must during your visit simply because that's what the city is famous for. Stop by any Giordano's and order up a Deep Dish Spinach & Cheese to see what the fuss is all about.
NOTE: These pizzas can take anywhere from 30-60 minutes to cook, so if you want to save the wait, call ahead and make your order on the way over.

Luke's (215 West Jackson) - If you want to aim for the local favorites, stop by this popular lunch spot downtown (a stone's throw from the Sears Tower) and order up a Chicago dog or Italian Beef. (Skip the pizza; it's garbage.) DO NOT forget the fries!

Taqueria Los Comales 11 (2148 North Milwaukee) - I don't know if this place is open 24 hours or what, but it's a great spot to get cheap Mexican food at 2 a.m. The specials are delicious, the tortas are massive and the horchata (rice water) is incredibly sweet.

Athena (212 South Halsted) - Stop by this restaurant to fulfill all your authentic Greek needs. The saganaki is superb, and I've always been a fan of their Mediterranean Pasta.

Mario's Italian Lemonade (1068 West Taylor) - This is a tiny stand in University Village (near UIC) that specializes in refreshing Italian ices -- think of a fruit-flavored slushee -- that are perfect during the unbearable Chicago summers. Only open early May-September 15.

Scooter's Frozen Custard (1658 West Belmont) - The best frozen custard you'll find without having to make a trip to Milwaukee.

Map Room (1949 North Hoyne) - This popular Bucktown hotspot has an extensive selection of beers from all over the world. This place has a great vibe, so it's no surprise that there's oftentimes a line out the door.

Quencher's Saloon (2401 North Western @ Fullerton) - Like Map Room, this bar has a great selection of beers from all over the world, only this place appeals more to the alternative crowd. If you like loud rock music, piercings and roller derby girls, Quenchers will win your heart.

Sabatino's (4441 West Irving Park) - Last but certainly not least, Sabatino's is fine dining at its best. If you're willing to splurge a little bit on yourself during your visit -- a three-course meal with a glass of wine will likely run you to the $30-$40 range -- you simply cannot go wrong with this classy Italian restaurant located just half a mile from the Irving Park Blue Line stop. You don't have to be dressed to the nines to eat here, but do try to look presentable. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Enjoy!
JVH

Big Ol' BFN Site Update (Free Music!)

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. These past four months I've been preoccupied with revamping my radio show. I finally put together my own home recording set-up, knocked out a handful of hilarious new episodes with my co-hosts and was also able to convince several noteworthy bands (Josh Joplin, Garrison Starr, People In Planes, Rogue Wave, Red Wanting Blue, etc.) to stop by for in-studio interviews. However, the biggest hurdle was the long overdue site update. What was supposed to be a simple touch-up turned into massive reconstruction. We finally wrapped it up last week and are ready to start promoting again! The site is even easier to navigate now, so we encourage you to stop on by and check out what we have to offer.

BFN Networks
www.bfninyourears.com

Reasons to check out our new-and-improved site:
1.) Hilarious new comedy episodes. So far this season we've discussed everything from my misadventures in West Africa to my plans to get a vasectomy.
2.) Insightful band interviews with a plethora of in-studio performances available for free download.
3.) Windy City Reprise: The Best Songs of 2007 is now available for download as well. It's five hours of the best music of last year, and it's all yours at the click of the mouse. Also, for those who missed my writing these past few weeks, I have five new essays posted about this compilation and what it means to me. Enjoy.

That's it. I'll be back with more stories in a week or two. As of now I have two new episodes to process this weekend and maybe a bit of socializing to help inspire more material for the show. Even when I'm relaxing I'm at work. No rest for the wicked.

Justin
aka Bob Dubilina
BFN Networks

Snapshots from West Africa 2008

I now have pictures from my tour of West Africa. Enjoy!

West Africa '08 (1 of 4)

West Africa '08 (2 of 4)

West Africa '08 (3 of 4)

West Africa '08 (4 of 4)

Give Blood (An Excerpt from "The Safety Net")

(JUSTIN is staring at a girl sitting in a bulky blue recliner chair used for donating blood. Her name is JACKIE. She's filling out a form on a clipboard. There is a similar chair nearby. His dialogue is primarily to the audience.)

JUSTIN:
Everybody's good at something. Everybody has a talent. No matter our story, no matter our circumstance, no matter our history, there will always be something that we can do that works to our advantage. Anyone who tells you that they're not good at anything is a liar. Anyone who says that they have no talent is only begging for a fool to come along and massage their ego. It's a simple fact that every person in this world can do something better than most others can and to question this simple truth is a waste of time. For better or worse, everybody's good at something, and I'm proud to announce that I can give blood.

Giving blood is the one thing I'm good at. I'm young, I'm healthy. I don't mind needles. I don't mind nurses asking me personal questions about my high-risk activities. No, I've never vacationed in Rwanda or Mozambique. No, I haven't been sharing needles with prostitutes who specialize in gangbangs at the county jail. No, I haven't been involved in any sexual activity with a man since 1977. Seeing as Brad Pitt won't return my phone calls and I'm a masochist who enjoys jumping through hoops for the opposite sex, why should I make my sex life easier? (Pause) I'm good at giving blood, so when I passed by the university blood drive on a Thursday afternoon in November, I decided to take a seat and fill out the form.

That's when I noticed this girl. (Points at Jackie.) Here's another thing I'm good at: my radar's always on. I'm always looking for attraction and chemistry and everything that comes with it. I'm searching for possibility; I'm keeping myself open to the idea that there is a girl in Room 833. (Pause) You see, I don't want to be content with what I have in life. In fact, I have no real interest in settling for the guidelines of a traditional relationship. Did I forget to mention that I'm good at being remarkably selfish and inherently self-destructive? Well, I am. I'm also fiercely independent and I'll be damned if I'm going to let opportunity pass me by. Although I am in a serious long-term relationship that is pretty much contingent upon great sex, I'm still not satisfied. I can't be. I'm young and horny and incredibly eager to add several hundred notches to the bedpost before I start looking like something the cat dragged in and these girls start equating financial security with sexual attraction.

So, while I still have the chance, I'm looking for a mistress. I'm interested in finding a high-heeled hurricane who'll give me a call in the dead of night just to tell me that she misses my tongue. And while I'm at it, I'm also in the mood for a bisexual nymphomaniac who wouldn't mind entertaining me and my girlfriend. Does this make me a bad boyfriend? Yes . . . but I'm not going to pretend that I'm the catch of a lifetime. I'm not. In all honesty, I know what I'm capable of, and I don't care what anyone else thinks of my desire to pleasure many attractive women.

I'm telling you all this because I'm also really good at analyzing the extremes. I'm really good at finding my limits without ever testing them. Would I take part in casual sex? Sure . . . who wouldn't? But is it what I really desire? (Shakes head.) No. I'm happy to say that I've never warmed to the idea of intercourse as a second-rate hobby. I don't believe it's right to abuse lust with emotional vacancy. I'm not scanning these girls because I'm looking for a quick release of endorphines and a hasty retreat at sunrise. What's the point in intimacy if there's no real craving to be intimate? What's the point in cheating if you don't feel any guilt? Our entire lives are based around simple perfunctory tasks that require so little thought yet so much time. Why in the hell should we start relating sex to washing dishes or brushing our teeth? Why would we deny ourselves the gauntlet of emotions that we should experience with someone between the sheets? Why would we want to stifle the excitement, the frustration, the wonder, the anxiety, the exhilaration . . . the . . . the absolute terror that we experience during these wonderfully awkward moments of intimacy?

These are the thoughts that swim through my head when I'm trying to gather enough courage to introduce myself to this girl. Before I forget, I'd like to mention that I'm good at being my own worst enemy. I'm especially good at psyching myself out with relentless self-deprecation. My so-called conscience -- that little condescending, know-it-all sonofabitch in the back of my head -- is always the first in line to assume the worst. What was supposed to be a simple exercise in the art of seduction has now become an epic struggle between what I want and what I fear. Think about it. I have absolutely nothing to lose by saying hello to this girl, but by now I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm practically paralyzed. And although I would like to introduce myself as a charming, intelligent and overall captivating young man whom she'd like to fuck and then take home to meet her parents, I'm already aware that I'll most likely sound like a complete boob who talks too fast and can't annunciate properly because he's so damn nervous.

(Begins pacing the floor frantically.)

You see, this is becoming a psychosis. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it so difficult to work up the nerve to talk to a girl? I'm twenty-one years old and I still can't understand why I torture myself with worst-case scenarios! It's only a girl! It's a girl who doesn't even know I exist! How could she possibly hate me? How could she be offended by my advances if I haven't even made a move? Why am I making this so difficult?

(Extremely frustrated. Ranting to himself.)

Damnit, Velander, you're running out of time! Do something! Knock off this bullshit! Get her attention! Tell her you're an idiot! Tell her that you're smitten! Tell her that your mind is in the gutter! Ask her if she'd be attracted to a pervert! Ask her if she needs a pool boy! Say anything! Open your fucking mouth and take a fucking chance!

(JUSTIN hops into the empty seat and looks at JACKIE. He smiles nervously.)

JUSTIN: (to JACKIE)
Hi!

JACKIE: (looks at JUSTIN)
Hi.

JUSTIN:
Um, donate blood often?

JACKIE:
Excuse me?

JUSTIN:
Uh . . . (nervous laugh, wider smile) I said, 'Donate blood often?'

JACKIE:
Hmmm. You know what?

JUSTIN:
What?

JACKIE: (smiles)
I do.

JUSTIN:
That's great!

JACKIE:
Yeah . . . I'd have to say it's the one thing I'm good at.

JUSTIN: (looks at audience)
No kidding?

(Lights dim)

JVH
02/2003

The Insomniac's Dream: Follow-Up

Thanks for the comments and compliments that so many of you either left in my journal or inbox regarding my photo letter to Justine. A lot of you were quite curious to know if she ever responded to it.

Well, she did -- TWELVE DAYS LATER! In the event that she wasn't able to download the giant .zip file I originally provided for her, I went ahead and sent her a link to my Flickr page. Three hours later she replied:

I'm guessing that since you sent this again you're wondering if I got it in the first place. I thought I let you know before that I did get it. I think the pictures and everything are a really cool way to say something, its neat, and clearly took a lot of effort, so thanks for thinking of me to do something like this.

later.
-J.

Seriously, it took twelve days to receive this incredibly neutral response. Since then I haven't heard a peep from her. I don't take that as a good sign. In fact, I think it's safe to say that she's just not that into me. She was at one point, but something changed while I was on the road and working on this project. Maybe she's too busy, maybe she's got unfinished business with this other boy, maybe the letter freaked her out. Either way, I've said my piece. The ball's in her court now.

Yes, I am disappointed that all the time and energy I put into this project didn't yield the response I wanted, but I'm still glad I did it. Simply, you can't win if you don't play. And even if I've lost the affections of this one girl, at least I've gotten back in touch with that part of me that firmly believes in and lives for the Grand Romantic Gesture. It had been a long time since I felt confident enough to put myself out there like that. This in particular was a fucking terrifying plunge into familiar waters, but the exhilaration of finding myself back in my element was worth the initial dread.

I guess all that's left is to find another girl who not only inspires me to take such risks BUT will also enjoy the final results of that inspiration.

The search continues . . .