Thursday, May 28, 2009


I ran into you by accident yesterday.

You looked stunning as always.

You had cut your hair.

Yet I was the one who suddenly felt so weak.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Run, Little Fox, Run

Dear Justin,

I've met someone I really like. I'm not willing to compromise it by coming to see you [this weekend -- 05/15-19!]. We both knew this was coming. I'm not your girlfriend and anything between us is conditional. Please be happy for me.

05/13/2009 (6:17 AM CST)



To be honest, I had no idea this was coming. Last time I checked we were anything but conditional. Maybe not a couple, but there was a commitment. You can try to dodge this truth by coldly rationalizing our relationship in any manner that suits you best, but the fact remains that what you're doing -- and certainly the way you're doing it -- is simply heartless. Congratulations, you've proven yourself to be completely untrustworthy and totally incapable of loving and being loved.

I would call your bluff and say that this new flame of yours doesn't even exist, that it's just you getting cold feet all over again. After all, you've done this every time you've come to visit. Either before or after you feel this desperate need to bail, and this calculated, cavalier rejection of yours reeks of a blatant lie. But I won't dive deeper into it. 'Cause if you are telling the truth -- if there is a someone who magically appeared in the last month (i.e., from the time you started telling me that you LOVED me with all your heart, WANTED TO BE WITH me soon and absolutely COULDN'T WAIT to see me!), someone who would require you to cancel your vacation as well as compromise our friendship and the friendships of everyone you know through me ('cause that's exactly what you've done) -- it doesn't mean much anyway. And you want to know why it doesn't mean much? Because sooner or later you will fuck it up, Jamie. You're inherently self-destructive and, unlike me, most people won't give you the benefit of the doubt. So when you do get cold feet (and you will) and predictably follow suit by vanishing, that person will not make the effort to pursue you nor take you back. I'm the only one who's that stupid. I'm the chump who believed that you actually want more in life than perpetual misery and isolation. What I failed to see time and again is ultimately this is your decision, not mine.

Despite all your proclamations otherwise, you relish being the lost little orphan girl, Jamie. You absolutely can't stand the idea of being accepted, loved, appreciated, understood, cherished, doted upon, taken care of, respected. You will continually lie, deceive, betray and destroy just to keep the status quo in check. You're codependent on your misery because it's what you know best. It's human nature: if you don't challenge the status quo, even if the way things are make you utterly weak and stifle everything positive about you, nothing changes and, thus, everything is "safe." Sanity in familiarity, right? Laugh it all away, right? Laugh! Laugh at the absurdity or else the ugly truth about your ugly self and your ugly soul will overwhelm you! I guess you were right: I knew this was coming after all. But that still doesn't justify anything. That still doesn't sadden me any less. That still doesn't stop me from saying, Fuck you, Kit. Fuck you for being everything you say you don't want to be but choose to be anyway.

That said, we now have a money issue at hand. I bought that ticket on good faith that you would come see me. If you can afford to waste it, you can afford to pay for it. You owe me $207.20. If you're adult enough to squander everything we've worked for, you can finish the job by being reasonable and responsible and paying me back in a timely fashion. Prove that you have some ounce of respectability. I'm appealing to the rational side of you -- that cold, unfeeling, logical side that you use whenever you reject me. If that's the only part of you I'm allowed to communicate with, so be it. You reject me, you pay for that privilege. Fair's fair.

Last but certainly not least -- and I know this likely means nothing to you, but I feel compelled to say it anyway -- I love and care for you with all of my heart. And despite all the hurt you've caused me, I still believe in the best of you. I've been quite preoccupied this year overcoming a lot of heartbreak and baggage and trying to find people I can trust and love without worrying that they'll stab me in the back, but none of that hurt or doubt could eclipse my love for you. My love for you fueled my ambitions. It was my undeniable proof that there are still plenty of things worth fighting for, that it doesn't always have to end in pain and sorrow. You made me believe that WE could accomplish anything. But that's obviously never going to happen as long as your neurotic, sinister and ultimately destructive actions and attitude undermine our entire relationship. I don't have all the answers in life, Kit, but I do know that I deserve better than this. When you finally and fully understand the extent of how cruel you've been to me, you're welcome to apologize. Maybe then we can even talk.

Until then, I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to do your worst.

05/13/2009 (2:13 PM CST)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Stalled at the First Step

Hey Justin,

So, I just read the essay in your profile about non-monogamy. I probably should have read that sooner, but somehow I missed it. Props to you for being so open and honest...but the thing about me is that I have some pretty undesirable baggage that would make a non-monogamous relationship EXTREMELY complicated. I hate that I have baggage at all, and I am trying to work through it---but it will always be a part of me. I wish I could change that, but I can't; so the thing I am trying to do is accept it, forgive it, and live with it. But it is not easy. And it means that, for the sake of being as open and honest as you have been, I have to admit this: I am not the girl you seek.

For that, I am sorry.
I wish you all the best, though. Really&truly.
And I hope that you find all the Love that you desire.




I didn't ask you for a relationship, nor did I ask to pursue one. I just liked your profile and thought you might be someone I would enjoy sharing my time with. ANYTHING after that -- and I mean ANYTHING -- would require honesty, open-mindedness, pragmatism and hours upon hours of discussion.

Friendship is built upon trust. Trust requires communication. We haven't communicated much at all to even get to the point where it's safe to discuss terms for a serious relationship. So while your concerns are legitimate when it comes to the long-term, at this point they're a tad presumptuous. I'm a sensible guy, you're a sensible girl -- at least that's the fair shake I give everyone I meet -- so I would appreciate it if you could think long and hard about whether or not it's a good idea to allow assumptions (about me, about you, about your reaction to my assumed behaviors) to burn a bridge you haven't even tried walking across. I can assure you right here and now that I would never demand anything of you that you're not willing to give. I can also assure you that just because our initial correspondence has been exceptional doesn't guarantee that we'll be friends, lovers, partners and/or soul mates. We'd have to discover that over time. In person.

If you decide to stop internalizing all the things that COULD (not will) happen between us -- and, more importantly, all the things I might say in response to your every worry and concern ('cause, really, you don't know me nor ALL of my perspective and vice/versa) -- it would still be my pleasure to meet you for dinner/drinks.


P.S. If you would like to further understand more of my take on how assumption and avoidance does nothing but destroy relationships, check out the most recent episode of my radio show: Noble Efforts. (FYI: My name on the show is Bob Dubilina.) We present two excellent stories -- one negative, one positive -- on why communication is essential in any relationship. Start around the 10:30 mark.