Monday, May 4, 2009

Stalled at the First Step

Hey Justin,

So, I just read the essay in your profile about non-monogamy. I probably should have read that sooner, but somehow I missed it. Props to you for being so open and honest...but the thing about me is that I have some pretty undesirable baggage that would make a non-monogamous relationship EXTREMELY complicated. I hate that I have baggage at all, and I am trying to work through it---but it will always be a part of me. I wish I could change that, but I can't; so the thing I am trying to do is accept it, forgive it, and live with it. But it is not easy. And it means that, for the sake of being as open and honest as you have been, I have to admit this: I am not the girl you seek.

For that, I am sorry.
I wish you all the best, though. Really&truly.
And I hope that you find all the Love that you desire.




I didn't ask you for a relationship, nor did I ask to pursue one. I just liked your profile and thought you might be someone I would enjoy sharing my time with. ANYTHING after that -- and I mean ANYTHING -- would require honesty, open-mindedness, pragmatism and hours upon hours of discussion.

Friendship is built upon trust. Trust requires communication. We haven't communicated much at all to even get to the point where it's safe to discuss terms for a serious relationship. So while your concerns are legitimate when it comes to the long-term, at this point they're a tad presumptuous. I'm a sensible guy, you're a sensible girl -- at least that's the fair shake I give everyone I meet -- so I would appreciate it if you could think long and hard about whether or not it's a good idea to allow assumptions (about me, about you, about your reaction to my assumed behaviors) to burn a bridge you haven't even tried walking across. I can assure you right here and now that I would never demand anything of you that you're not willing to give. I can also assure you that just because our initial correspondence has been exceptional doesn't guarantee that we'll be friends, lovers, partners and/or soul mates. We'd have to discover that over time. In person.

If you decide to stop internalizing all the things that COULD (not will) happen between us -- and, more importantly, all the things I might say in response to your every worry and concern ('cause, really, you don't know me nor ALL of my perspective and vice/versa) -- it would still be my pleasure to meet you for dinner/drinks.


P.S. If you would like to further understand more of my take on how assumption and avoidance does nothing but destroy relationships, check out the most recent episode of my radio show: Noble Efforts. (FYI: My name on the show is Bob Dubilina.) We present two excellent stories -- one negative, one positive -- on why communication is essential in any relationship. Start around the 10:30 mark.

No comments: