Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Run, Little Fox, Run

Dear Justin,

I've met someone I really like. I'm not willing to compromise it by coming to see you [this weekend -- 05/15-19!]. We both knew this was coming. I'm not your girlfriend and anything between us is conditional. Please be happy for me.

05/13/2009 (6:17 AM CST)



To be honest, I had no idea this was coming. Last time I checked we were anything but conditional. Maybe not a couple, but there was a commitment. You can try to dodge this truth by coldly rationalizing our relationship in any manner that suits you best, but the fact remains that what you're doing -- and certainly the way you're doing it -- is simply heartless. Congratulations, you've proven yourself to be completely untrustworthy and totally incapable of loving and being loved.

I would call your bluff and say that this new flame of yours doesn't even exist, that it's just you getting cold feet all over again. After all, you've done this every time you've come to visit. Either before or after you feel this desperate need to bail, and this calculated, cavalier rejection of yours reeks of a blatant lie. But I won't dive deeper into it. 'Cause if you are telling the truth -- if there is a someone who magically appeared in the last month (i.e., from the time you started telling me that you LOVED me with all your heart, WANTED TO BE WITH me soon and absolutely COULDN'T WAIT to see me!), someone who would require you to cancel your vacation as well as compromise our friendship and the friendships of everyone you know through me ('cause that's exactly what you've done) -- it doesn't mean much anyway. And you want to know why it doesn't mean much? Because sooner or later you will fuck it up, Jamie. You're inherently self-destructive and, unlike me, most people won't give you the benefit of the doubt. So when you do get cold feet (and you will) and predictably follow suit by vanishing, that person will not make the effort to pursue you nor take you back. I'm the only one who's that stupid. I'm the chump who believed that you actually want more in life than perpetual misery and isolation. What I failed to see time and again is ultimately this is your decision, not mine.

Despite all your proclamations otherwise, you relish being the lost little orphan girl, Jamie. You absolutely can't stand the idea of being accepted, loved, appreciated, understood, cherished, doted upon, taken care of, respected. You will continually lie, deceive, betray and destroy just to keep the status quo in check. You're codependent on your misery because it's what you know best. It's human nature: if you don't challenge the status quo, even if the way things are make you utterly weak and stifle everything positive about you, nothing changes and, thus, everything is "safe." Sanity in familiarity, right? Laugh it all away, right? Laugh! Laugh at the absurdity or else the ugly truth about your ugly self and your ugly soul will overwhelm you! I guess you were right: I knew this was coming after all. But that still doesn't justify anything. That still doesn't sadden me any less. That still doesn't stop me from saying, Fuck you, Kit. Fuck you for being everything you say you don't want to be but choose to be anyway.

That said, we now have a money issue at hand. I bought that ticket on good faith that you would come see me. If you can afford to waste it, you can afford to pay for it. You owe me $207.20. If you're adult enough to squander everything we've worked for, you can finish the job by being reasonable and responsible and paying me back in a timely fashion. Prove that you have some ounce of respectability. I'm appealing to the rational side of you -- that cold, unfeeling, logical side that you use whenever you reject me. If that's the only part of you I'm allowed to communicate with, so be it. You reject me, you pay for that privilege. Fair's fair.

Last but certainly not least -- and I know this likely means nothing to you, but I feel compelled to say it anyway -- I love and care for you with all of my heart. And despite all the hurt you've caused me, I still believe in the best of you. I've been quite preoccupied this year overcoming a lot of heartbreak and baggage and trying to find people I can trust and love without worrying that they'll stab me in the back, but none of that hurt or doubt could eclipse my love for you. My love for you fueled my ambitions. It was my undeniable proof that there are still plenty of things worth fighting for, that it doesn't always have to end in pain and sorrow. You made me believe that WE could accomplish anything. But that's obviously never going to happen as long as your neurotic, sinister and ultimately destructive actions and attitude undermine our entire relationship. I don't have all the answers in life, Kit, but I do know that I deserve better than this. When you finally and fully understand the extent of how cruel you've been to me, you're welcome to apologize. Maybe then we can even talk.

Until then, I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to do your worst.

05/13/2009 (2:13 PM CST)

1 comment:

Maya said...

Her behavior is so not cool. Without even touching on the emotional devastation . . . Bailing on someone like that with no notice and no good reason in ANY context is downright disrespectful. You deserve better.