More Secrets, More Harm

Oshinn,

So this is how you play it? Finally go the full step and cut me out of your life AGAIN?

If you'll recall, you were the one who was rude to me on Friday. Crowing in front of my friends, "So what soapbox are you on now?" was completely uncalled for, especially in regard to the story I was telling them. You know full well how shitty the Hannah situation turned out for me, yet you went out of your way to make it seem I was just ranting over spilled milk. You called it jocular; I call it insensitive. Should I have told them instead about how easily you cut off our friendship when you decided to come clean about having this mystery boyfriend that you were hiding from me? Should I have mentioned how you punished me -- the one friend who has shown his support through and through -- for your lies? Would that have been a better topic of discussion? Would you have felt more included?

Also, inviting Lisa over to your apartment for dinner with Jon, especially in front of me, was beyond cruel. Why in the hell would Lisa get that privilege and not me? (Why would she get it before me?) I think it's only fair that I finally meet this one true love that we only know about in the abstract. I mean, I help you out every way I can in this city. I help allay the cost of living because I understand what you're going through, and I care enough not to let you slip through the cracks. I help you find work. I treat you to dinner and shows because I want you to get out of the apartment and enjoy nights out with friends. It's never been an issue for me, and I long ago stopped asking for anything (but your loyalty) in return. Hell, I've even made it clear that the invite is extended to this secret boyfriend of yours, yet he can't be bothered to show up to anything. Why is that? He can't be working EVERY NIGHT, can he? Seriously, what have you really told this guy about me if you're too ashamed to introduce him to me? What are you hiding from him? What are you hiding from me? This is serious cause for concern, O, and I think it's unfair that once again you punish me for all the secrets you're obviously harboring.

Why is it every time when I demand a little respect from you I get tossed to the curb? I take care of you -- far more than anyone else, it seems -- yet you go out of your way to insult me and then shut me out. You were totally okay with being treated to everything before our group assembled that night, but you just had to make a big deal of it when we're at the front of the line. (FYI: I was simply asking if I was paying for your ticket. You mentioned on IM that I would have to treat you to dinner if you were to come out, but you didn't mention the show. I accounted for both, but I needed confirmation. I wasn't rubbing anything in your face; I just wanted to know who was buying your ticket -- me or you.) Then you hound me about my foul mood at a totally inappropriate time. And when I gave in to your bullying and told you what was upsetting me (i.e., you making a big deal about leaving early when you already made such a big deal about going to the show in the first place; you making a big deal about getting a ride home when Lisa and I have NEVER had a problem giving you a ride home; Lisa's dinner invite; your willful ignorance of my feelings), you storm off. You already knew why I was mad -- I made it clear before we even sat down for dinner -- but I guess you yourself were looking for a reason to be upset with me for your poor behavior. All I wanted was for everyone to have a good time that night; you went out of your way to make sure that I would not. The ultimate proof of this is when you chose to leave rather than change seats with someone else. You knew full well that wasting my money would only anger me further, yet you did it anyway. Think about it: Altogether I paid $30 dollars for you to treat me like shit the entire night and then walk out on me once we got into the show. Man, what a fucking STEAL! Thanks.

What you did -- not to mention what you're currently doing -- is rude and immature, Oshinn. All I've requested of you is to be more involved in your life. I didn't think it was such a big demand, especially from a friend who cares about and looks after you the way I do. What you're doing has grave consequences because it sets a precedent where I am continuously cut out of your life. You're obviously trying to either start a rivalry or generate animosity between Jon and me. I don't understand how this would help anyone. I don't want to be his best friend, but I do want him to know that I exist and that I'm fine that he's around, too. And I want him to feel the same. It will help prevent any future discord. I mean, what if you throw a party? You gonna invite all my friends and not me? What if you get married to the guy? You just going to casually sweep that under the rug and not mention it? Do you see why I'm so concerned about your eagerness to exclude me from such a big part of your life? Do you understand why I'm deeply hurt by your willingness to so easily throw in the towel? Think about it and get back to me. I am long overdue for an explanation.

Justin
01/05/2009 (2:10 PM CST)

=======================================

Justin,

I've explained all this to you before. More than once. Even in the abstract discussing why another girl might possibly not want to spend time with you. It makes me ill to justify you with a response. You already know. If you can't figure it out, that's your problem. I'm sick of it.

I loved how you went on about how you made me "better". You bought things for me -- to replace everything I liked about myself. You got me new clothes, championed my starvation. You also made me hate myself more than anyone ever has. You're a manipulative child. I started spending time with you again after I moved here because I thought you had changed, but you hadn't. It was just harder to see since we were no longer in any twisted relationship. Oh sure, you're generous. You give everything you have to whomever needs it, and think in return that you can be an asshole "just one time"- in most cases repeatedly -- and yes, that DOES erase all of your monetary benefit. Sorry. The best part about your generosity? It allows you to feel sublimely vindicated when people "throw you away", when they "abandon" you. You get to rub it in their faces and feel smug, and DO, so transparently it's both humorous and frightening. Ever wonder why that doesn't work? Because friendship doesn't come at a price. I didn't think I was insulting you at all that night. I didn't know what your sensitivity to Hannah was. I know you never fucked her and that she had a weird nose. But if you didn't want to talk to me after I was being a bitch, that would make sense. But why would you drop me, when you can keep paying for me and in return force gratitude? Remember how I tried to give all the shit back, how you repeatedly insisted on buying me meals, giving me whatever it was you were giving me? Even after I said NO? I thought by finally giving in it meant you knew it was all you doing it. Whoops.

I know, I know, you were being caring, you were being friendly. Sure. That's why when you gave me my birthday gift you didn't say anything about how glad you were that I liked it. You said, "See why you shouldn't be mad at me?"

Sorry, Justin. All the money you've given, the shit you've paid for, doesn't give you the excuse to act like an asshole, and it never has and never will. I'm not indebted to you, if you did everything in the name of friendship and caring.

I invited Lisa over BEFORE we even went out that night, you twit. That wasn't a personal affront to you. I would never want you at my house for dinner with Jon. You don't "deserve" to meet him, you don't "deserve" anything to do with him. You talked about him in an extremely disrespectful way on your excuse for a radio show. You're the one who perverts and breaks. He has nothing to do with you.

God. You don't deserve any of this. I would give back every fucking thing you gave me if it meant I never had to know you, be insulted by you. I was only a good whore for a short time. I hope to Christ you don't actually believe this drivel you spout about people not appreciating your generosity. If you do, you're fucked up. If you don't get why you lose friend after friend after friend, girl after girl after girl, then you need to get your head screwed on better. Of course, you refuse to do that. You're "trying". I already told you why that doesn't work, too. Apparently you didn't listen. I remember when you've been down Lisa and I have tried to figure out what we can do to make things better. She is too nice to say any of this to you and I'm sure hasn't even thought of it. That's my role. So do yourself a favor and listen, because when it gets to the point where she's the only friend you think you can trust, she isn't going to be able to say it to you in a way that you'll listen to.

I'm mailing your bus card back. I don't want anything from you again. Once you get yourself straightened out, you'll understand this. Until then enjoy the luxury of being pissed off.

Oshinn
01/05/2009 (2:42 PM CST)

=======================================

Oshinn,

I simply paid your way because I wanted you to join in the fun. 'Cause in the end it really doesn't matter if we have a good time. You were never indebted to me, but when you are being treated to something, it's only polite to play nice with with person who's treating you. It's in the same vein of saying, "Thank you," when someone gives you a ride home. But you treated me rudely in front of everyone. So how is that fun for me?

As far as your birthday gift goes, I already knew it was something you would enjoy. And I said that you shouldn't be mad at me because that gift was overwhelming proof that I cared about you. 'Cause it was a gift for you. It wasn't a book or a CD that I could pick up for anyone. It was a work of art that I bought -- and had uniquely framed -- with you specifically in mind because I knew it was something you would appreciate and enjoy. Also, to me, it was a symbol that I believed in you. I believe in your creative endeavors. After you banished me, I could have kept it for myself or gave it to someone else, but I didn't. I stored it away for you and hoped that you would come back. 'Cause I believed in you. That's why I said, "This is why you shouldn't be mad at me." It wasn't the cost. (You don't even know what it fucking cost!) It was the gift itself! Who else would go great lengths to give you what your heart desired? Who else would help send you off to France because he simply wants to see what awesome photos you'd take over there? I would. 'Cause I believe in you, my friend.

And when did I go on about making you "better"? I simply pointed out on Friday that you have a nicer coat than you did a year ago. That's not all my doing, not by far. I even said so. It was mostly your doing. The most I ever did was buy you a sweater from Old Navy, some underwear from H&M and a shitty coat from the Salvation Army. And that's what I said: "Last year she had a shitty coat that I bought her at the Salvation Army." And now you seriously want to blame me for your more stylish wardrobe because I'm the first person who spoke up and said, "Why don't you wear something that actually fits you? Something that looks nice on you?" Really? That's such a horrible thing? If so, why is it that you're wearing all these great new clothes, huh? Why aren't you sporting the same outfits you wore a year ago? Why did you leave that old ratty sweater on top of a trashcan and come back to me shivering because you didn't have anything to wear? I'm such a fucking villain because you actually liked wearing nice(r) clothing so much that you went out and purchased more? Fine then. Consider me the enemy.

As far as talking about Jon on my radio show, those are just jokes and you damn well know it. It's a comedy show, and I was simply making an extreme point that your continued reluctance to introduce your boyfriend to ANYONE is really fucking bizarre. You think we'll ruin him for you? You think he won't like us? Hell, does he even fucking exist? Is he really your boyfriend? I think these are fair questions to ask. Furthermore, any jokes we made were about you and me, not him. I never once said anything bad about Jon. The worst I've ever said about him was, "Who is this guy? Where the fuck did he come from?" and "Take that, Jon, she's still mine!" You really believe I think that? You really believe that I think you think that? C'mon, Oshinn, you're not stupid, so there's no point in playing that card.

By the way, I love your extra jab on "your excuse for a radio show." Nice touch.

Also, your self-loathing has nothing to do to me. That was around long, LONG before I ever came into the picture. I only made suggestions; you took them to extremes (and sometimes used me in the process). I simply suggested that you start using anti-depressants -- which you were already taking, mind you -- that wouldn't also make you gain weight ('cause you had complained about that). Yes, I like you thinner, but I also knew that you didn't want the fucking extra weight in the first place! Wellbutrin was just another option, and you never complained when you lost the weight and regained your sex drive! Better yet, I offered to pay for it because I, too, was reaping the benefits of it! Jon, too, it seems! Poor, pitiful you! But let's get this one thing straight, Oshinn: I liked it when you were thin, but I never encouraged you to starve yourself. In fact, I remember telling you time and again that you needed more than snacks and Diet Dr. Pepper to survive, that there was nothing wrong with having an actual meal or two during the day. But you had to take the self-image thing way, way overboard, and there was nothing I could say or do to convince you otherwise. Of course, you sure didn't complain when you looked in the mirror (or at the scale), but go ahead and blame me anyway.

You know, you can wish that I never existed all you like, but just remember that all decisions you've made this past year were because I helped encourage you along. You moving to Chicago? Me. Your wardrobe? Me. Getting a handle on your depression? Me. Taking care of yourself? Me. Your photography? Me. Getting a job? Me. Surely they weren't all bad things. Or maybe they are. Either way, you sure seem happy with the bed you've decided to make in the year that I've known you. If you didn't like any of it, then why the fuck are you here? All I did was light a fire under your ass and prod you to get working on your creative outlets. And you've said, "You're right, you're right" every single time. Not right away, but you did. My influence is all over your actions, yet I'm someone you can't wait to forget? Well, color me confused on that one.

Finally, as far as losing friend after friend goes, I hope one day that you'll understand that demanding loyalty and honesty does not make me a tyrant. I've never betrayed you, Oshinn, yet this is the fourth time that your blatant disregard for my feelings has put us at a crossroads. I myself am not a perfect soul. Not even close. And every single day I beat myself up over certain friends I've lost over the years and what I could have done differently to keep them -- or at least not let an issue spin out of control -- but I also remind myself that every relationship is a two-way street. Some friends I know harbored grudges and sat on powderkegs of resentment; Hannah chose to vilify me as a way of displacing her guilt; Melissa was going to figure out a way to break my heart because I wouldn't give into her unfair demands (and would never have trusted me even if I did) whether or not we had that explosive fight. You will choose to declare me as your biggest mistake because you think you're above apologizing for your rude and dishonest behavior toward me (as well as the lies you must be telling Jon about your relationship with me).

No matter the relationship or the problem, though, I've always pulled my fair share of the weight and then some, so you can go fuck yourself if you think I'm not doing the same with you. I never forced you into anything. I never demanded more than you wanted to give. Everything you chose to do with me was by your consent. I've rarely helped anyone out -- financially or emotionally -- the way I've helped you, and one grown-up thing I learned to do was to stop twisting up our friendship in exchange. These past few months I learned to give to you without expecting anything but the loyalty I would demand of any friend. I learned how to give to you simply because you're my friend, and I don't let my friends scrabble for food or bus fare. I hold you in higher regard because you're someone I trust more than most. For better or worse, you and I have been to hell and back, and we still love(d?) and respect(ed?) each other. You can vilify me all you like for encouraging and helping you to take better care of yourself, but just remember that the decisions were your own. I have regrets with many; my conscience is clean when it comes to you.

Your friend,
Justin
01/05/2009 (4:44 PM CST)

Madly. Desperately.

Rojita,

The last two weeks have probably been the worst of my life. Losing you has been absolutely devastating, and I'm not sure how long it will take to feel like I'm back to my normal self. Maybe I won't ever be; maybe this is what my normal self will always be like from now on. I feel like I've been ripped apart and left for the wolves. I'm raw, vulnerable, angry, frustrated, lost, downtrodden and completely miserable. It's actually a worse feeling than when I started off this year -- you know how bad that truly was for me -- and currently I find myself dreading what awfulness is in store for me come 2009. I don't sleep because I know I won't want to get out of bed if I do. I try to make plans to distract myself, but I still feel more alone than ever, especially when I'm hanging out with others. Damned if do, damned if I don't.

There are a thousand things I've wanted to say to you these past two weeks. Things that might clear the air, bring focus to the real problems at hand, maybe start a healing process or miraculously get us back on track. But every time I sit down and stare at this screen, I find myself at a loss for words. 'Cause no matter what I say, you're probably not interested in listening. It's me vs. you -- a battle I've never understood because all I've ever wanted is to be on your side, never against you -- and I'm destined to lose every time because nothing I say brings assurance or clears the air . . . or makes things right.

Like it or not, though, a few things must be said. There are some truths that you need to hear. So in the interest in saving my breath and your time, I'll keep it simple and just tell you what's really important.

1.) I'm in love with you. Madly. Desperately. I've been in love with you the moment I first met you. I've never been more attracted or attached to anyone as I have been to you. NO ONE. And over time when it became clear that you didn't want a relationship -- or at least a balanced relationship where we could find some strange slice of middle ground that would work for us -- I still wanted you in my life. I wanted you close. I still do. 'Cause I still love and care for you. And nothing's ever going to change that.

2.) Believe it or not, since late April I've been completely committed to you. I've rearranged my schedule -- ditched work, dropped BFN, bailed on friends -- more times than I can count simply so I could spend more time with you. Our relationship may not have fit into any parameter familiar to you, but ups or downs, fights or faults, my heart was completely yours. It still is. I never gave up on you and still can't because ALL of me -- not just a chunk, part or sliver; ALL -- feels so wholly tied to you, and it pains me that you've never accepted that. But it's true. It's 100% true. You can ignore or forget this fact, but my heart still belongs to you. It beats for you. It breaks for you.

3.) I'm sorry for losing my temper. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry for the harsh things I said. Some things I said because I felt cornered. Some things I said because I truly was afraid of what you might do to yourself. Some things I said simply because I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. For that last one I'm truly ashamed. I just felt so worn down, unappreciated and incapable of making any point that you'd be interested in hearing, and I lashed out because I was tired of carrying the burden of your disappointments. I was angry because I was being punished for being honest and upfront, for not caving into your non-negotiable (and vaguely detailed) demands for a relationship, for not being able to read your mind. I was angry because you wouldn't give me full disclosure in return. But what upsets me more than anything now is that we could have done so much more working together than tearing each other down. That's the biggest crime here.

4.) It never had to end this way. I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm sorry because it scared you, it destroyed my integrity, but, most importantly, it shifted focus away from our problems so much that in your eyes it nullified any good -- past, present or future -- I brought to the table. Still, it didn't (OR doesn't) have to end this way. I'm more than my anger just as you're more than your self-destructiveness. You are not a child; I am not a beast. You may not believe that, but I do. I believe our good far outweighs the bad. And even if you can't bring yourself to believe that, I simply hope that one day you will understand that none of this had (or has) to end with misery, anger, fear, heartbreak and/or pain.

5.) And on that note, I will never give up on you. I will always believe in the best of you. I will always hope that you'll reappear with the intent of making peace and starting again -- in any capacity we see fit. Per your wishes, I will stay away from you. On the sheer hope that you may one day forgive me and invite me back into your life, I will avoid further conflicts with you and yours and simply wish every day that you finally get back in touch and we will only have good things to say to each other. I will wish that we both drop the pretenses and the baggage and take comfort in the fact that we complement each other too damn well to let this go fallow forever.

You may choose to hate me for the rest of your life. You may choose to forget me and completely erase the fact that I ever existed. As for me, I can't do that. I can't forget you. I can't shake you. And as much as I'll have to accept the fact that you may never say another kind word about (or to) me ever again, I'll also have to accept that you will never be forgotten here. I'll have to accept that the hurt is what comes with the territory of being in love with you. That itself is no burden; I'd rather have this than the alternative of erasing your from my memory. That I could never do. 'Cause I love you. Madly. Desperately.

I miss you, Suricata. I miss you terribly. And I am always here for you. That might not mean anything to you now -- maybe not ever -- but it is my sincere hope that someday it will. And when it does, I hope you'll pick up the phone and give me (and yourself) another chance to do better for both of us. Never say never. I guess that's all I can ask of you now.

Truly yours,
Lobo
12/11/2008

El Lobo Herido

I'm doing everything I can to distract myself, to immerse myself in countless social functions and personal projects, but I can't get you out of my head.

I don't know if you miss me. I don't know if you care. But I miss you so much, Rojita. I miss you. so. goddamn. much. Half the time I feel like there's a knife twisting in my heart . . . the other half I just feel empty, and no matter what I try, I just can't fill the place that you're supposed to occupy.

I didn't want to bother you further with a phone call. I just wanted to say I love you and that I miss you terribly and that I wish there was a way to convince you that we are good for each other.

No, scratch that. I wish I didn't have to convince you. I wish you just knew.

Have a wonderful weekend. I'll be busy trying to distract myself with loud music and foreign sights and long stretches of highway. I have a feeling it won't do much, but it's worth a try. Anything at this point is better than brooding at home and wondering where you might be and what might inspire you to call upon me.

Rest assured, though, you will be in my thoughts.

You are always in my thoughts.

Love,
Lobo

The Matchmaker from Lansing

OKCUPID:
To: Velander
From: AG224

This could be the strangest message I've ever sent to anyone...

I can't even remember how I tripped on your profile. One of those look at this guy, then another is similar, then another, etc, etc

You and I are not a match in any way, so this is not a round about, convoluted pick-up. But, when I read the "you should message me if..." portion of your profile I thought of an old dear friend who is no longer a friend (very long story!). She lives in Chicago. She's beautiful, creative, so, so endearing in many ways. If you believe in following an illogical path for the hell of it, check her out on MySpace at myspace.com/[UCG].

That's all she wrote.

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
To: Elizabeth [UCG]
Date: Sep 12, 2008

Please friend me! A stranger told me that I should get in touch with you. I would like to go into detail, but I can't send you a note unless we're friends first.

Justin

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 13, 2008 2:28 AM

Ok, you've got my attention. What gives?

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:07 PM

Elizabeth,

As you know by now, my name is Justin. I have a profile on OKCupid. (Link below. It's available for public viewing.) Yesterday morning I received an e-mail in my inbox from a woman in Lansing, MI who told me that she randomly stumbled across my profile during a match search. And although her and I are in NO WAY a match -- her words -- there was something about me that reminded her of an old friend in Chicago that she lost touch with (had a falling out with?). In fact, she thought that we might get along so well that she felt compelled to tell me how to get in touch with this person.

If you haven't guessed it by now, that person is you.

My curiosity is quite piqued, so I decided to see where this rabbit hole might take me. And if this stranger from Lansing is correct, you're probably the same way. So check out my profile(s) and whatnot and let me know what you think.

Justin
www.okcupid.com/profile/velander

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 14, 2008 1:46 PM

Dear Justin,

This is rather curious...

Yes, I will meet you.

Charmed,
I'm sure,
Elizabeth

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 15, 2008 3:42 PM

Elizabeth,

I leave for a long weekend in Montreal on Thursday afternoon. I'll be back on Tuesday morning. This week is a little hectic, but I can likely make the time for a drink if you're available. Otherwise, we aim for next week?

Justin

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Elizabeth
Date: Sep 15, 2008 5:20 PM

Justin,

Honestly, I find you attractive, and I presume you would be interesting, and a lot of fun.

More honestly, I don't think we match what the other person is truly looking for.

I wish you well on all of your journeys,
Elizabeth

============================================

MYSPACE:
From: Justin
Date: Sep 15, 2008 5:51 PM

Cold feet already? C'mon! Don't bail out now. It's just starting to get interesting.

1.) You have an IDEA -- just a notion -- of what I'm looking for, but nothing I've written is set in stone. In life, most everything is negotiable.

2.) I have no clue what you're looking for. I'd have to hear it from you first.

3.) You're under no obligation to do anything with me. The most I asked of you was coffee and conversation. Anything else is not my concern at this time.

4.) 'Cause you're going to mull this over . . . and you're going to change your mind.

And when you do, you know how to reach me.

Justin

============================================

OKCUPID:
From: Velander
To: AG224

I gave it a shot, but she got cold feet.

Thanks for thinking of me, though.

Justin

============================================

OKCUPID:
To: Velander
From: AG224

Cold feet? OK, I personally am amazed you didn't write the whole thing off as the most crack pot thing you'd ever heard. But, what do you mean by cold feet? Did you friend her or something? It's just so strange b/c reading your profile I was absolutely gripped with this feeling that you two would be perfect for each other. Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in fantasy and romance. I don't know...

Well, happy travels.

X

============================================

OKCUPID:
From: Velander
To: AG224

Of course it was completely nuts! That's WHY I contacted her! :)

I friended her and explained the situation. I said a woman from Lansing told me that I should get in touch with her. She agreed to meet . . . and then she wrote me again and said "I've changed my mind."

She'll reconsider. I'm certain of it. This is all too random not to follow the story to its full conclusion.

Until then,
Justin

============================================

Story to be continued. I'm sure of it.

JVH

Windy City Checklist: A Guide for Couchsurfers

I get a lot of messages from Couchsurfers who are coming to Chicago and want suggestions on things to see or do during their stay. The following is a list of favorite activities/sights/restaurants that I highly recommend (links included!). Of course, it's not comprehensive -- it's based mostly on personal taste (and budget) -- but feel free to leave any of your own recommendations in the comments section. If I agree with you, I'll add it in the original post! (NOTE: Please avoid the hating. I want you to post your own favorites, not lambaste mine.)

[Last Updated: August 2014]

Windy City Checklist:

First off, pick up a current copy of the CHICAGO READER when you get into town. It's the alternative paper and features tons of listings for music, movies, theater and whatever else you seek in Chicago.

ACTIVITIES/EVENTS:

Late Night Karaoke @ Alice's Lounge: Alice's Lounge is a dive bar that arguably features the best Karaoke in Chicago. (Actually, it's been voted Best Karaoke for two years running -- 2011 & 2012 -- in the Chicago Reader!) This is all thanks to emcee Fred Wood and his mind-boggingly comprehensive songbook of Karaoke favorites new and old. (Not to mention plenty of obscure stuff you wouldn't even imagine was available for belting out drunkenly to an unsuspecting crowd!) If that weren't enough, Fred also possesses a legendary bag of props to liven up the performances. (Trust me, it's way cooler than it sounds!) This is my favorite haunt in all of Chicago, so chances are good that you will find me here, especially on Thursday nights after the Chicago Weekly Meeting.
Alice's Lounge -- 3556 West Belmont @ Central Park (Avondale). Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, 11 p.m.-3:30 a.m.; Saturdays, 11:00 p.m.-4:30 a.m. No cover, but you are expected to buy/nurse a drink. 21+

Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind: Sketch theater at its finest. The premise is 30 plays in 60 minutes, and the ever-revolving cast deliver some of the most hilarious, absurd, shocking, provocative and inspiring sketches I have ever witnessed. The actors are fearless when it comes to baring everything -- heart, soul and skin -- for the sake of entertaining, confronting and connecting with the audience. Simply, I am floored by the level of talent on display at this show, and that's why I look forward to both attending -- no, being part of it! -- every week.
The Neo-Futurarium -- 5153 North Ashland @ Foster (Andersonville). Fridays & Saturdays, 11:30 p.m. Sundays, 7:00 p.m. (Get in line early, especially on Fri. & Sat.!) Tickets $9 + roll of a six-sided die (=$10-$15). CASH ONLY. All ages.

That's Weird, Grandma: After teaching creative writing workshops in Chicago public schools, the cast of the Barrel of Monkeys theater troupe sift through thousands of stories, poems and plays written by children and adapt them into a series of entertaining sketches. Kids enjoy the show for its silliness; adults love the sheer inventiveness of the adaptations. Whether it's a cheer-off that leads to disastrous results (A Bad Day) or the most sensational Indian musical in the world (The Dance of Yousail), BOM will leave you giddy and giggling long after you have left the theater. (I will personally testify to reciting such gems as "Oh, no, it's JoJo, the owner of the barrel!" and "I'm taking the whale for a ride! I'm taking the whale for a ride!" for months after first hearing them here!)
The Neo-Futurarium -- 5153 North Ashland @ Foster (Andersonville). Mondays, 8:00 p.m. Tickets: $12 for adults | $6 for kids. CASH ONLY. All ages.

Baby Wants Candy: I've mentioned my favorite sketch shows in the city, but if you prefer your comedy to be completely made up on the spot, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better improv group than Baby Wants Candy. The premise is simple: The audience shouts out a title of a musical that has never been performed before. Accompanied by a full band(!), the first title that BWC hears becomes the title and theme for that evening's completely improvised 60 minute musical that they create then and there. (Or as they say just before showtime, "And now the opening and closing night of ____________.") Improv comedy alone is difficult to pull off successfully; now imagine how much skill it takes to get your audience to literally howl with laughter while fleshing out a cohesive storyline complete with musical numbers. Baby Wants Candy does exactly that, and you'd be at a loss to miss this show.
Apollo Theater -- 2540 North Lincoln Avenue (Lincoln Park). Fridays, 10:30 p.m. Tickets: $20 | $10 with student discount. All ages.

Music Box: A wonderful old-time movie theater that showcases the best in independent, classic and foreign films. Better yet, they have midnight showings of cult films during the weekend. The squeaky, thin-cushioned seats are nothing to rave about, so I wouldn't recommend anything over two hours, but you will nevertheless be impressed by the design of the place. The main theater even has an organ, which comes in quite handy during the annual showings of Nosferatu, Sing-Along Sound of Music and others.
Music Box Theatre -- 3733 North Southport @ Grace (Lakeview). Check site for showtimes. Tickets: $9.25 $7.25 for matinee showings. 

Concerts: Chicago has a great music scene simply because it's a crossroads. If you're a band on tour, especially in the Midwest, it is in your best interest to play a show in the Windy City. If you want to experience live music in Chicago, find out when your favorite band might be coming through town and then make plans to visit the city. That way you'll have bragging rights on how far you'll go to see a favorite artist. (My record: A 2700 mile road trip from Washington, DC to Seattle, WA for Bernard Fanning, lead singer of Powderfinger. Awesome interview, too!)
Favorite Venues: Schubas, Beat Kitchen, Uncommon Ground, Lincoln Hall, S.P.A.C.E., Park West, Double Door, Riviera Theatre (aka The Riv), Metro, Subterranean, Empty Bottle, Reggie's Live, The Hideout 
SHAMELESS PLUG: Stop by BFN NETWORKS -- my podcast network -- to see what upcoming concerts are at the top of my list. While you're there, I highly encourage you to check out a long list of insightful and uninhibited band interviews on The Sound Of You & Me! Subscribe to this podcast and others (links at the top of the sidebar) and download a treasure trove of incredible live in-studio performances!

Theater: For better or worse, Chicago is a theater town. I once had a small-time online theater critic for a roommate, and thanks to his extensive knowledge of the arts and access to free seats for productions big and small, I received a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness all the best (and worst) the Windy City had to offer. Rest assured, it was an invaluable education that I will forever be grateful for. When you come to Chicago, do your best to attend any kind of theater. Whether it be sketch comedy, improv, musical or drama; a Broadway hit or a little-known one-act; a beloved classic or a world premiere, find something that sounds appealing to you and just go for it. Life's about taking risks. Even if it's a terrible show -- and, oh boy, have I had my fair share of awful plays in this city! -- at least you tried to get some culture among all the hours spent exploring downtown and bar-hopping.
Recommended Theater/Companies: The House Theatre of Chicago (Seriously, Do. NOT. Miss!), The Strange Tree Group (A MOST weird & whimsical SUPER <3), The Neo-Futurists, Dream Theatre Company, Barrel Of Monkeys, Baby Wants Candy, WildClaw Theatre, Route 66 Theatre Company, Seanachai Theatre Company, Chopin Theatre, Goodman Theatre, Vaudezilla . . . and so much more!

Also, I HIGHLY recommend Chicago Theater Beat for their reviews of current shows in town. I am pleasantly surprised by how often I agree with their reviews, which more often than not save me a lot of time, money and grief when it comes to choosing a show that I know nothing about.

And if you'd like to find discounts on a wide range of productions in town/nationwide, I suggest that you sign up for Goldstar.com.

SIGHTS (DOWNTOWN):


View Velander's Guide to Downtown Chicago in a larger map

RESTAURANTS/BARS:

If you like to eat and drink, Chicago is your kind of town. Here's a list of my favorite places to get a meal or enjoy a drink with friends. Of course, there are definitely a million other restaurants in this sprawling city, all likely worthy of your time, money and palette, but this is what I recommend during your visit.

Brown Sack (3581 W Belden Avenue) - A hidden gem tucked away in the southwest corner of Logan Square, this cozy and hip Mom & Pop "soup, sandwich and shake shack" should be a required stop during your tour of the city. The sandwiches look like they should be framed and put on a wall and taste even better. People generally hail the Corned Beef Reuben, but my heart belongs to the BLT with avocado and shrimp. My mouth waters just thinking of the all the wonderful flavors in that sandwich. (The Cajun Po'boy is nothing to scoff at either. In fact, everything is good here!) Also, both the Peanut Butter Shake and the Mocha Shake are nothing short of mind-blowing. They're reason enough why Brown Sack has become my favorite restaurant in Chicago, and I personally know several people who have gone out of their way to stop by and order one more for the road.

Kuma's Corner (2900 West Belmont) - If you're in search of the best burgers in the WORLD, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better place than Kuma's Corner. Even with the atmosphere (and attitude) of a neighborhood (albeit more upscale) biker bar, I've seen all walks of lifes make the trek and wait anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours(!!!) just to get their hands on one of these divine patties served on a soft pretzel bun. To match the devil's music that blasts continuously from the speakers -- thankfully loud enough to appreciate yet not enough to drown out conversation -- the burgers are named after heavy metal groups and, of course, are prepared in such a way to pay tribute to the band's music. The more intense the metal, the more intense the burger. (The Plague Bringer is hot, but the Metallica will make you want to scream, especially when you're foolish enough to order it with extra buffalo sauce. Which I recommend.) Moreover, the bar has one of the best selections of local/regional beers in the city due to their efforts to support local and/or independent breweries. Last but not least they serve whiskey on tap, which I think is fucking awesome (and I don't even drink!).

However, all is not perfect in the world of Kuma's. Like I mentioned, the bar has become notorious for its ridiculously long waiting times. I myself am not one to hang around for longer than an hour, so if you want to avoid a packed house, heed this advice: Skip the weekend altogether 'cause no matter the time there is always a crowd. Instead go early in the evening on a weekday (anytime between 3-6 p.m. is ideal) and go with no more than four people. (The less people in your party, the easier it will be to get a table.) Also, if there are seats available at the bar, don't be afraid to sit down and order there. That's how I got to eat right away during my first visit.

Kin Sushi & Thai Cuisine (1132 North Milwaukee) - Chicago has a lot of Thai restaurants, but the problem is that most of them specialize in only one or two dishes, leaving the remainder of the menu something to be desired. That's certainly not the case with Kin, where I've always had a stellar meal no matter what I've ordered.

Hong Kong House (3904 North Cicero) - My favorite Chinese food in the world can be found in this hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Portage Park. The pot stickers are incredible, the vegetable lo mein always hits the spot and the sesame chicken is divine.

House of Sushi & Noodles (1610 West Belmont) - An impressive all-you-can-eat sushi deal for $20. Best of all, it's all made fresh! I've dropped three times as much on sushi in other spots in the city, and they couldn't hold a candle to this place. As far as the Midwest goes, HS&N is a sure bet for your sushi needs.

Fat Willy's Rib Shack (2416 West Schubert @ Western) - My favorite place for BBQ in Chicago. The ribs melt right off the bone, the cornbread (served with honey butter) is sensational and the hot brownie sundae (if you have room for it) brings decadence to a whole new level.

Mi Tierra (1039 West Belmont) - The interior looks gaudy, but they have excellent Mexican food. Stellar chimichangas, and I've yet to meet anyone who didn't enjoy the margaritas.

Mr. Greek Gyros (234 South Halsted) - Located in the heart of Greektown on the West Loop, Mr. Greek will fulfill all your Chicago-centric gastronomic needs. Probably one of the best deals on Italian Beef in the city, and the chicken burrito -- big enough for two people -- is to die for. Best of all, it's open 24 hours. (One of my first Chicago haunts!)

Potbelly Sandwich Works (Multiple locations) - Although it's now a regional chain, Potbelly first began as Chicago's answer to Subway and Quizno's. I don't know how they do it, but their subs blow the competition out of the water. Great milkshakes, too.

Giordano's (Multiple locations) - Chicago-style deep dish pizza is a must during your visit simply because that's what the city is famous for. Stop by any Giordano's and order up a Deep Dish Spinach & Cheese to see what the fuss is all about.
NOTE: These pizzas can take anywhere from 30-60 minutes to cook, so if you want to save the wait, call ahead and make your order on the way over.

Luke's (215 West Jackson) - If you want to aim for the local favorites, stop by this popular lunch spot downtown (a stone's throw from the Sears Tower) and order up a Chicago dog or Italian Beef. (Skip the pizza; it's garbage.) DO NOT forget the fries!

Taqueria Los Comales 11 (2148 North Milwaukee) - I don't know if this place is open 24 hours or what, but it's a great spot to get cheap Mexican food at 2 a.m. The specials are delicious, the tortas are massive and the horchata (rice water) is incredibly sweet.

Athena (212 South Halsted) - Stop by this restaurant to fulfill all your authentic Greek needs. The saganaki is superb, and I've always been a fan of their Mediterranean Pasta.

Mario's Italian Lemonade (1068 West Taylor) - This is a tiny stand in University Village (near UIC) that specializes in refreshing Italian ices -- think of a fruit-flavored slushee -- that are perfect during the unbearable Chicago summers. Only open early May-September 15.

Scooter's Frozen Custard (1658 West Belmont) - The best frozen custard you'll find without having to make a trip to Milwaukee.

Map Room (1949 North Hoyne) - This popular Bucktown hotspot has an extensive selection of beers from all over the world. This place has a great vibe, so it's no surprise that there's oftentimes a line out the door.

Quencher's Saloon (2401 North Western @ Fullerton) - Like Map Room, this bar has a great selection of beers from all over the world, only this place appeals more to the alternative crowd. If you like loud rock music, piercings and roller derby girls, Quenchers will win your heart.

Sabatino's (4441 West Irving Park) - Last but certainly not least, Sabatino's is fine dining at its best. If you're willing to splurge a little bit on yourself during your visit -- a three-course meal with a glass of wine will likely run you to the $30-$40 range -- you simply cannot go wrong with this classy Italian restaurant located just half a mile from the Irving Park Blue Line stop. You don't have to be dressed to the nines to eat here, but do try to look presentable. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Enjoy!
JVH

Big Ol' BFN Site Update (Free Music!)

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. These past four months I've been preoccupied with revamping my radio show. I finally put together my own home recording set-up, knocked out a handful of hilarious new episodes with my co-hosts and was also able to convince several noteworthy bands (Josh Joplin, Garrison Starr, People In Planes, Rogue Wave, Red Wanting Blue, etc.) to stop by for in-studio interviews. However, the biggest hurdle was the long overdue site update. What was supposed to be a simple touch-up turned into massive reconstruction. We finally wrapped it up last week and are ready to start promoting again! The site is even easier to navigate now, so we encourage you to stop on by and check out what we have to offer.

BFN Networks
www.bfninyourears.com

Reasons to check out our new-and-improved site:
1.) Hilarious new comedy episodes. So far this season we've discussed everything from my misadventures in West Africa to my plans to get a vasectomy.
2.) Insightful band interviews with a plethora of in-studio performances available for free download.
3.) Windy City Reprise: The Best Songs of 2007 is now available for download as well. It's five hours of the best music of last year, and it's all yours at the click of the mouse. Also, for those who missed my writing these past few weeks, I have five new essays posted about this compilation and what it means to me. Enjoy.

That's it. I'll be back with more stories in a week or two. As of now I have two new episodes to process this weekend and maybe a bit of socializing to help inspire more material for the show. Even when I'm relaxing I'm at work. No rest for the wicked.

Justin
aka Bob Dubilina
BFN Networks

Snapshots from West Africa 2008

I now have pictures from my tour of West Africa. Enjoy!

West Africa '08 (1 of 4)

West Africa '08 (2 of 4)

West Africa '08 (3 of 4)

West Africa '08 (4 of 4)