Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Madly. Desperately.


The last two weeks have probably been the worst of my life. Losing you has been absolutely devastating, and I'm not sure how long it will take to feel like I'm back to my normal self. Maybe I won't ever be; maybe this is what my normal self will always be like from now on. I feel like I've been ripped apart and left for the wolves. I'm raw, vulnerable, angry, frustrated, lost, downtrodden and completely miserable. It's actually a worse feeling than when I started off this year -- you know how bad that truly was for me -- and currently I find myself dreading what awfulness is in store for me come 2009. I don't sleep because I know I won't want to get out of bed if I do. I try to make plans to distract myself, but I still feel more alone than ever, especially when I'm hanging out with others. Damned if do, damned if I don't.

There are a thousand things I've wanted to say to you these past two weeks. Things that might clear the air, bring focus to the real problems at hand, maybe start a healing process or miraculously get us back on track. But every time I sit down and stare at this screen, I find myself at a loss for words. 'Cause no matter what I say, you're probably not interested in listening. It's me vs. you -- a battle I've never understood because all I've ever wanted is to be on your side, never against you -- and I'm destined to lose every time because nothing I say brings assurance or clears the air . . . or makes things right.

Like it or not, though, a few things must be said. There are some truths that you need to hear. So in the interest in saving my breath and your time, I'll keep it simple and just tell you what's really important.

1.) I'm in love with you. Madly. Desperately. I've been in love with you the moment I first met you. I've never been more attracted or attached to anyone as I have been to you. NO ONE. And over time when it became clear that you didn't want a relationship -- or at least a balanced relationship where we could find some strange slice of middle ground that would work for us -- I still wanted you in my life. I wanted you close. I still do. 'Cause I still love and care for you. And nothing's ever going to change that.

2.) Believe it or not, since late April I've been completely committed to you. I've rearranged my schedule -- ditched work, dropped BFN, bailed on friends -- more times than I can count simply so I could spend more time with you. Our relationship may not have fit into any parameter familiar to you, but ups or downs, fights or faults, my heart was completely yours. It still is. I never gave up on you and still can't because ALL of me -- not just a chunk, part or sliver; ALL -- feels so wholly tied to you, and it pains me that you've never accepted that. But it's true. It's 100% true. You can ignore or forget this fact, but my heart still belongs to you. It beats for you. It breaks for you.

3.) I'm sorry for losing my temper. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry for the harsh things I said. Some things I said because I felt cornered. Some things I said because I truly was afraid of what you might do to yourself. Some things I said simply because I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. For that last one I'm truly ashamed. I just felt so worn down, unappreciated and incapable of making any point that you'd be interested in hearing, and I lashed out because I was tired of carrying the burden of your disappointments. I was angry because I was being punished for being honest and upfront, for not caving into your non-negotiable (and vaguely detailed) demands for a relationship, for not being able to read your mind. I was angry because you wouldn't give me full disclosure in return. But what upsets me more than anything now is that we could have done so much more working together than tearing each other down. That's the biggest crime here.

4.) It never had to end this way. I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm sorry because it scared you, it destroyed my integrity, but, most importantly, it shifted focus away from our problems so much that in your eyes it nullified any good -- past, present or future -- I brought to the table. Still, it didn't (OR doesn't) have to end this way. I'm more than my anger just as you're more than your self-destructiveness. You are not a child; I am not a beast. You may not believe that, but I do. I believe our good far outweighs the bad. And even if you can't bring yourself to believe that, I simply hope that one day you will understand that none of this had (or has) to end with misery, anger, fear, heartbreak and/or pain.

5.) And on that note, I will never give up on you. I will always believe in the best of you. I will always hope that you'll reappear with the intent of making peace and starting again -- in any capacity we see fit. Per your wishes, I will stay away from you. On the sheer hope that you may one day forgive me and invite me back into your life, I will avoid further conflicts with you and yours and simply wish every day that you finally get back in touch and we will only have good things to say to each other. I will wish that we both drop the pretenses and the baggage and take comfort in the fact that we complement each other too damn well to let this go fallow forever.

You may choose to hate me for the rest of your life. You may choose to forget me and completely erase the fact that I ever existed. As for me, I can't do that. I can't forget you. I can't shake you. And as much as I'll have to accept the fact that you may never say another kind word about (or to) me ever again, I'll also have to accept that you will never be forgotten here. I'll have to accept that the hurt is what comes with the territory of being in love with you. That itself is no burden; I'd rather have this than the alternative of erasing your from my memory. That I could never do. 'Cause I love you. Madly. Desperately.

I miss you, Suricata. I miss you terribly. And I am always here for you. That might not mean anything to you now -- maybe not ever -- but it is my sincere hope that someday it will. And when it does, I hope you'll pick up the phone and give me (and yourself) another chance to do better for both of us. Never say never. I guess that's all I can ask of you now.

Truly yours,

No comments: