Wish

I think about you every day.
I miss you every day.
I wish you would talk to me.

My birthday's this week.
I wish I were able to spend it with you.
. . . But that's enough wishing for today.

Wherever you are, I hope you're well.

JVH (via text)
2012/05/21 (10:08 a.m.)

So Much More Than This

Original Link: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=234

I truly believed we were so much more than this.

(Sadly, I still do.)

But maybe that's all we ever were:

A disaster.

A hurricane with the smallest eye.

A burning building that never stood a chance.



Still, we deserved a lot more than what you gave.

(That's the real tragedy here.)

Letter Never Sent: A Bright New Day

   I'm still not doing well.

   I miss you, too.  Dearly.

   But I can't be your friend.

   If you were seeing anyone else, it would be a different story.  But it's not.  Unlike with Nicole, I told you before you did anything with him how much that would hurt me.  Unlike with Nicole, I was trying to repair my relationship with you, not looking for a way out every chance I could get.  I told you explicitly that it would prove my point that he was only vying for your affection.  It turns out I was right, even if neither of you care to admit it.  Furthermore, I find it incredibly hurtful that he gets all the benefits that I had to work so hard to obtain with you.  You could have had the exact same freedoms that you have now, and all you had to do was communicate with me.  But you didn't, which means I never got a fair shake to truly give you what you needed, and you seem completely cavalier about this.
  
   But I guess that doesn't matter anymore.  It's you're life . . . and I'm no longer a part of it, so my feelings don't hold any weight here.

   If something changes, I might be willing to discuss our friendship further.  But it probably won't, and I've slowly come to accept that.

   I miss you every day, but the hurt I carry in my heart knowing that I got cuckolded by someone who both satisfies petty revenge (on both your previous ex and me) and is allowed to get a true glimpse of who you truly are/want to be -- it's obvious now that I was simply the outsider who kept you entertained while you were waiting to get back in the good graces of your old friends -- is simply too unbearable to pretend that everything will be okay.  'Cause I'm not okay -- and I'm not sure what it will take for me to get back to there.  You were always the best at making my hurts go away.  Alas, you can't heal me when you're also the source of this particular wound.

   Please don't respond.  I am fucking miserable and weak and all I want to do is beg for your comfort.  Please, have mercy on me and pretend I never existed.  As long as you're with him, just think of me as a bad dream and now you're awake and it's a bright new day and you're next to the person with whom you truly belong.

     I miss you the most, Kell Eno.  I wish you the best.

Love,
Justin
2011/05/11

Full-Tilt First Date Bailout: SMS Edition

Quick back story: Meredith is a woman who I met at late-night Karaoke a month earlier and had since confided that she a.) lives in Wisconsin, b.) has a three-year-old son and c.) is currently going through a messy divorce.

We had a date planned for the next time she came to town.  Something simple and fun - dinner and a show.

The following conversation takes place completely via text.

May 5, 2012 - 11:25 a.m.

Meredith: Justin, I'm really sorry to this to you, but I'm going to have to bail.  My best friend showed up, and I haven't seen her in a year. I can't not spend time with her. And . . . in all honesty, I don't really see much point in going on a date with someone that you know would not work out in the end.  Between the threesomes and the vasectomy . . . well, they're both pretty much deal breakers for me. I'm sorry for doing this to you so late in the game.

May 5, 2012 - 11:29 a.m.

Justin: Ha. I love how a reasonable cancellation required a complete overview of why we wouldn't work as a couple.

It was just a date, Meredith. It's okay. Have fun.

May 5, 2012 - 11:31 a.m.

Meredith: Thanks for understanding. I just wanted to be honest with you.

May 5, 2012 - 11:32 a.m. 

Justin: I didn't know you were looking for something so serious.

13 hours later . . .

May 6, 2012 - 12:52 a.m.

Meredith: Justin - I'm really sorry about earlier. I was a total bitch . . . I was actually pretty excited about going on the first date I've gone in years. It was my brother that convinced me otherwise. It's true that my friend came into town . . . but I really was looking forward to spending time with you. I wish I would have trusted my gut in the first place. He and I actually had a pretty huge argument tonight. I'm sitting at The Owl by myself . . . analyzing everything . . . and feeling really horrible about earlier today.

May 6, 2012 - 12:53 a.m.

Justin: Karaoke?

For Love, Lost: A Mixtape

I made this mix for someone special, someone hurting far more than any one person should have to hurt.

But just in case there's someone else adrift out there . . .

http://www.bfninyourears.net/JVH/For_Love_Lost.zip

Own Side Now

I’m goin’ out on the town
Said I’m tired of chasin’ you down
And it’s not my right to always push you around
I’m on my own side now

Who’s gonna take me home?
'Cause I don’t wanna go it alone
Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been?
Who’s gonna want me now?
And who’s gonna take me home?

I'm gonna find me a true love
Said I'm through asking you if you knew, love
How much it meant to me
How it was meant to be
And how it all feels empty

Who’s gonna take me home?
'Cause I don’t wanna go it alone
Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been?
Who’s gonna want me now?
And who’s gonna take me home?

And who’s gonna take me home?
'Cause I don’t wanna go it alone
Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been?
Who’s gonna want me now?

Oh, who’s gonna take me home?
'Cause I don’t wanna go it alone
Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been?
Who’s gonna want me now?
And who’s gonna take me home?

I’m goin’ out on the town
Said I’m tired of chasin’ you down
And it’s not my right to always push you around
I’m on my own side now

Own
side
now

-- Caitlin Rose, "Own Side"
http://www.bfninyourears.net/music/Caitlin_Rose-Own_Side.mp3

Something Terrible

Isyemille: And for the record, I don't think there is such a thing as a terrible sex drive. Unless terrible is inferring to lack there of.

Velander: My sex drive eats worlds.

Isyemille: Maybe there are too many worlds anyway.