Friday, May 11, 2012

Letter Never Sent: A Bright New Day

   I'm still not doing well.

   I miss you, too.  Dearly.

   But I can't be your friend.

   If you were seeing anyone else, it would be a different story.  But it's not.  Unlike with Nicole, I told you before you did anything with him how much that would hurt me.  Unlike with Nicole, I was trying to repair my relationship with you, not looking for a way out every chance I could get.  I told you explicitly that it would prove my point that he was only vying for your affection.  It turns out I was right, even if neither of you care to admit it.  Furthermore, I find it incredibly hurtful that he gets all the benefits that I had to work so hard to obtain with you.  You could have had the exact same freedoms that you have now, and all you had to do was communicate with me.  But you didn't, which means I never got a fair shake to truly give you what you needed, and you seem completely cavalier about this.
   But I guess that doesn't matter anymore.  It's you're life . . . and I'm no longer a part of it, so my feelings don't hold any weight here.

   If something changes, I might be willing to discuss our friendship further.  But it probably won't, and I've slowly come to accept that.

   I miss you every day, but the hurt I carry in my heart knowing that I got cuckolded by someone who both satisfies petty revenge (on both your previous ex and me) and is allowed to get a true glimpse of who you truly are/want to be -- it's obvious now that I was simply the outsider who kept you entertained while you were waiting to get back in the good graces of your old friends -- is simply too unbearable to pretend that everything will be okay.  'Cause I'm not okay -- and I'm not sure what it will take for me to get back to there.  You were always the best at making my hurts go away.  Alas, you can't heal me when you're also the source of this particular wound.

   Please don't respond.  I am fucking miserable and weak and all I want to do is beg for your comfort.  Please, have mercy on me and pretend I never existed.  As long as you're with him, just think of me as a bad dream and now you're awake and it's a bright new day and you're next to the person with whom you truly belong.

     I miss you the most, Kell Eno.  I wish you the best.


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