Non-Monogamy: A Slippery Slope

Author's Note: Originally posted in my OKCupid journal as fair warning to the girls who checked out my profile.

Okay, so let's address what seems to be a point of contention on my profile. One line in particular seems to lead the ladies to jump to all sorts of (extreme) conclusions, but rather than ditch it for the sake of convenience, I think a little discourse might be in order.

The line in question:
I'm a big fan of commitment, but I believe monogamy is overrated.

No, I'm not a free-lovin' hippie or a hardcore polygamist. In fact, I enjoy being in a committed relationship with one person. I'm an incredibly loyal partner when it comes to the girl that I fall head over heels in love with, and I do everything in my power to prove myself worthy of their love, trust and respect. I love sharing my life with a partner who understands me and loves me for who I am, warts and all. Moreover, it's a goddamn relief when you finally stumble upon that special someone after spending so much time being pummeled and pushed aside in the dating game. Even after all the glorious highs and frustrating lows, you truly come out the winner when you can take that person's hand and walk away from the dog-eat-dog singles scene.

Alas, in all my experiences I've never once had that feeling of "I only have eyes for you." I've been crazy in love -- crazy to the point of delirium, crazy to the point of "Yes, I will drive 14 hours to see you for one night," "Yes, I will buy a last-minute plane ticket to see you this weekend," and "Yes, I will move to Washington, DC to be with you" -- but I am simply incapable of equating my girl as my world.

Because when it comes to sex, I always want more.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'm dissatisfied with what I have with my partner. Before I even consider a serious relationship with someone, I make sure that we're a match in that department. Nor does it mean that I'm not truly in love with the person I'm with. That couldn't be further from the truth! If I wasn't happy with the person I was seriously committed to, I wouldn't be with them in the first place. That would be a waste of her time and mine. Just because I "suffer" from what one girlfriend called Acute Roving-Eye Syndrome (ARES) doesn't mean I'm seeking a way out. Simply, my brain is not hardwired to solely think of one girl and one girl only.

The truth is that I am a junkie for chemistry and attraction. I am fascinated by women. When I am drawn to a particular woman, I will make every (sensible) effort to learn more about her. I love to flirt. It's my passion, my vice. And while I am more than happy to go home with/to the one I love, I fantasize about these other women all the time. Yes, I want to seduce them. I want them naked in my bed. I want to bring them pleasure. And I've always felt this way. I can't turn it off -- I've tried and failed miserably -- nor would I even want to. So what do I do about it?

Answer: I don't know. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out. It took me eight years and three relationships before I finally understood that commitment and monogamy are not one and the same. Although most of us prefer to believe it is, it's not -- at least it's not in my case -- so now I guess the next step is to find the proper balance of non-monogamy. (Oh boy, a minefield! Let's skip!) I don't care for one night stands or random hook-ups; I prefer to know and connect with the people who share my bed. That said, I also don't want to get into a serious relationship with every woman I get physical with either. On the other hand, I would prefer to be the only male partner of my "primary." (Christ, did I just use that word in a serious context?) But if I apply that kind of double standard, I'm all too aware that I'm making it even more impossible of finding someone. Seriously, just thinking about this gives me a headache.

Of course, this leads me to the easiest solution: Threesomes! I spent a lot of years pursuing an MFF threesome in my previous relationships. I love the idea of two girls together. I love the idea of having my way with both of them. The idea of them focusing solely on me doesn't come to mind right away, but I love that, too. Well, I finally got my threesome in my last relationship -- two of them, in fact -- and I enjoyed it immensely. After all those years of doggedly trying to reach the holy grail, I had proof that my efforts were not in vain. And given the chance, I would absolutely do it again. The experience of having sex with someone I'm committed to yet having their permission to cheat is fucking amazing, especially when both things are happening at the same time. And afterwards I found myself even more deliriously in love with my girlfriend for giving me such a wonderful experience. Seriously, it didn't get any better than that!

And I guess that's what I hope to find here: an attractive (meaning HWP, too!), sensual, intelligent, well-rounded, open-minded, happy-go-lucky bisexual girl who will have occasional MFF threesomes with me. It would also be best that she enjoy traveling abroad, not want any kids, smell like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and ride a unicorn to work every day.

Anybody know a girl like that? Anybody?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

JVH
11/5/2007