The door closed and the flip handle hit my lip. You winced and touched your own lip as if to ask if I was okay.
I nodded and laid a palm flat on the glass. I could feel my eyes glassing over, my emotions inside surging forth too fast to temper them. That look of concern on your face made my heart ache even worse. I was leaving you all too soon, and the sound of the door closing shut was the final proof. We were separated, left with no choice but stare at each other and wait for the inevitable.
You began to speak, but I couldn’t hear what you were saying. The train was too loud, the glass too thick. I tried to think of something I could say that you would understand even if you couldn’t hear it. Something simple yet all-encompassing. Something elegant, words that would keep me in your thoughts and maybe – just maybe – work their way into your heart.
I came up with this:
“Dagi, I’m crazy about you.
“I’m certain that I’m falling in love with you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What I feel for you is so intense, so pure, that it shakes me to the core. And I will not waste a second denying myself such a splendid feeling, especially when it concerns you. I hope that one day you might feel the same about me.
“I’m going to miss you. I’m going to miss you something fierce, and I can’t wait to see you again. Soon.
“Dagi, I’m crazy about you!”
The train started moving. It was the last thing I wanted, but I was helpless to stop it. I cursed your trip to Mexico. I cursed my late arrival and this terribly early departure. I cursed time for being so fleeting.
I cursed myself for holding back on kissing you. At a moment like this, good behavior never seemed so foolish or naïve. In my mind I kissed you a thousand times today. Every sideways glance, every longing look, every deep stare and secret-filled smile was followed by a kiss. I imagined your lips locking with mine and how my heart would well up and clench tight in my chest. How perfect that would be, an entire day of holding you close, kissing your mouth and face and ears and neck and shoulders and on and on over every inch of your body, always returning to your lips, your wonderful lips.
I didn’t know what you would think of that, but it’s what flashed through my mind as the train started moving.
I found everything that I was looking for during my time with you, Dagi. Of course, there was so much more I would have loved to discover, an infinite number of possibilities to explore, but I was still overjoyed with the brief amount of time I shared with you. We had just taken the next step in our strange and curious relationship, and nothing ever felt so right.
Except this. Leaving this soon didn’t feel right at all. Looking at you through the glass, the taste of blood from the cut on my lip keeping me grounded in reality, I knew without a doubt that I wasn’t ready to go.
You followed along as the train dragged me away under protest.
I suddenly envisioned every scenario that would allow me a little more time with you. I thought of doubling back after the first stop. I thought of lunch the next day. I thought of changing my flight. I thought of meeting you on the way to Celestun or picking you up in Chicago. I thought of waking up next to you on New Year’s or getting lost with you in the fog while trekking across Halemaumau at sunset. I imagined you on a white sand beach, the smell of sun on your skin. I thought of keeping your hands warm and that lovely smile on your face. I thought of taking a million pictures of you and still thinking that I didn’t have enough.
I thought of how special you truly are to me.
I yelled out once more, “CRAZY!”
Maybe you heard me that time.
JVH
09/15/2007
IC 2229: Hamburg, DE --> Dortmund, DE
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