Panacea

I want what you did for me last April. I was pathetic, you took care of me -- and that one hour did more for me and how I feel about us than anything else these past two years.

I want you to make my hurts go away.

I want you to make me feel like I'm worthy of your affection.

It's not just about fucking. If it were that simple, I would've been over you by now. You wouldn't have weighed on me when I was fast and furious with Beth. But I'm not over you. I never will be. Your memory lingers every morning I wake up. And I've accepted that. I've accepted that and the fact that you don't want me. I've accepted the fact that this other guy bested me, and now all I've got are a bunch of a photographs and memories to help me recall how wonderful it was to be that madly in love.

So, please, if you can't give me your affection, leave me be. I'm about to burst out crying at work. You win, okay? You win.

Just Be A Person (Exhibit #102334)

Nicole: It took you so long to get here that I was beginning to think that you were getting back at me by saying you'd come over and then not.

Velander: I would never do that to you.

Nicole: I mean, you'd have every right to.

Velander: That's not true.  At all.

Nicole: Yeah, it is. The way I've treated you when you said you needed me . . .

Velander:  No, you don't understand.  No one has the "right" to do that to anyone.   No one has the "right" to be so petty or mean.  If I wasn't going to come, I would have told you so directly.

I said I would come.

I'm here now.

31

Once more into the fray . . .
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day . . .
Live and die on this day . . .
-- Ottway, "The Grey"

Be Good Until Then

Always know the road you're riding on
Always know the words to your baby's song
Try to make the most of Friday nights when they come

Maybe turn a stranger to a friend 
Never break a heart that's on the mend
Never let the romance ever end like I've done

Never judge a color of a skin
Never judge a person by their kin
Never follow leaders that begin behind some wall

Always help your mom across the street
Always wash your hands when you wanna eat
Always keep 'em dirty enough to see where you came from

And its OK to cry
If you feel it comin' on
It'll let you know you're human in the end
All these things will mean more when I'm gone
Just be good until then

Try to see the best inside the bad
No matter how many drinks you had
Never make a promise you'll regret come sunrise

Try to rarely ever oversleep
Always keep your ego at your feet
Maybe try to practice what you preach once in a while

It's OK to cry
If you feel it comin' on
It'll let you know you're human in the end
All these things will mean more when I'm gone
Just be good until then

Everybody loves a hero
Not so much when they fall short so
Try to keep your cape on underneath

You don't have to try so hard
To be the best. Just know you are
And that's all that'll matter to me

It's OK to cry
If you feel it comin' on
It'll let you know you're human in the end
All these things will mean more when I'm gone
Just be good until then

-- Butch Walker & The Black Widows, "Be Good Until Then"
http://www.bfninyourears.net/music/Butch_Walker-Be_Good_Until_Then.mp3

Wish

I think about you every day.
I miss you every day.
I wish you would talk to me.

My birthday's this week.
I wish I were able to spend it with you.
. . . But that's enough wishing for today.

Wherever you are, I hope you're well.

JVH (via text)
2012/05/21 (10:08 a.m.)

So Much More Than This

Original Link: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=234

I truly believed we were so much more than this.

(Sadly, I still do.)

But maybe that's all we ever were:

A disaster.

A hurricane with the smallest eye.

A burning building that never stood a chance.



Still, we deserved a lot more than what you gave.

(That's the real tragedy here.)

Letter Never Sent: A Bright New Day

   I'm still not doing well.

   I miss you, too.  Dearly.

   But I can't be your friend.

   If you were seeing anyone else, it would be a different story.  But it's not.  Unlike with Nicole, I told you before you did anything with him how much that would hurt me.  Unlike with Nicole, I was trying to repair my relationship with you, not looking for a way out every chance I could get.  I told you explicitly that it would prove my point that he was only vying for your affection.  It turns out I was right, even if neither of you care to admit it.  Furthermore, I find it incredibly hurtful that he gets all the benefits that I had to work so hard to obtain with you.  You could have had the exact same freedoms that you have now, and all you had to do was communicate with me.  But you didn't, which means I never got a fair shake to truly give you what you needed, and you seem completely cavalier about this.
  
   But I guess that doesn't matter anymore.  It's you're life . . . and I'm no longer a part of it, so my feelings don't hold any weight here.

   If something changes, I might be willing to discuss our friendship further.  But it probably won't, and I've slowly come to accept that.

   I miss you every day, but the hurt I carry in my heart knowing that I got cuckolded by someone who both satisfies petty revenge (on both your previous ex and me) and is allowed to get a true glimpse of who you truly are/want to be -- it's obvious now that I was simply the outsider who kept you entertained while you were waiting to get back in the good graces of your old friends -- is simply too unbearable to pretend that everything will be okay.  'Cause I'm not okay -- and I'm not sure what it will take for me to get back to there.  You were always the best at making my hurts go away.  Alas, you can't heal me when you're also the source of this particular wound.

   Please don't respond.  I am fucking miserable and weak and all I want to do is beg for your comfort.  Please, have mercy on me and pretend I never existed.  As long as you're with him, just think of me as a bad dream and now you're awake and it's a bright new day and you're next to the person with whom you truly belong.

     I miss you the most, Kell Eno.  I wish you the best.

Love,
Justin
2011/05/11